Jo Ryder: "Gross Exaggeration for Comic Effect"
Feb 15, 2007 3:12:32 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Feb 15, 2007 3:12:32 GMT -5
6/26/05
As the scene opens, we're in a brand new location - downtown Spokane, Washington, during it's "Hoopfest" tournament - Hoopfest is the largest 3 on 3 basketball tournament in the United States, and as the day wears on, the challengers fall... leaving the city with uninhabited basketball hoops in the middle of the street. Standing in khaki pants and a white blouse, Jo Ryder holds a basketball in two hands, before she looks up at the camera.
[Jo Ryder:] Is it running now? Good...
She turns, flipping her hair behind her and dribbling the basketball against the street as she uses one hand to pull her hair back into a ponytail...
[Jo Ryder:] This, ladies and gentlemen, is Spokane. The entire downtown section has been closed for the Hoopfest celebration; a large portion of this city has been closed, to be devoted to COMPETITION.
There's something oddly satisfying about that, satisfying in the same way as a box of Godiva chocolates, a pair of sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt, and a DVD remastered copy of the Greatest American Classic of cinematic filmmaking - "Weekend at Bernie's 2."
Jo continues dribbling, moving out towards the foul line...
But, you see, competition can only incite so much. Hoopfest works because it is once a year. When you ask someone to continually rise to competition, they start to burn out, like a star exhausting it's fuel, or a candle burnt to the very last...
You see, I have a problem. And this problem exists solely in OG-FPD.
This problem is Holly.
Jo dribbles back and forth from her left to her right hand, in a continual, fluid motion, as if she were born with these reflexes...
You see...
Warning: This was poached from Hugh Gallagher's College Application Essay.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them much more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas.I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo men and women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
She continues forward to the three point line.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. On Wednesdays, after Closing Bell, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
Continuing the dribble, she picks up speed in bouncing the ball back and forth, spreading her legs slightly, and even pulling a few tricks more reminiscient of a Harlem Globetrotters game out - bouncing the ball underneath her legs and continuing to dribble with her other hand...
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have peformed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
Despite her frenzied pace - which speeds up as she goes, her voice remains even, and she looks up at the camera with a smirk.
I balance, I dodge, I weave, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Jo stops bouncing, catches the ball in both hand, and turns, jumping and shooting the ball - which bounces perfectly against the backboard, and rolls along the rim before falling through the hoop.
I have memorized and recited an entire piece of literature while feverishly preparing for a three point basketball shot. Only twenty-seven percent of that is exaggeration - but, Holly, I have not yet silenced those flapping lips you call a mouth.
Jo turns, and steps off the court as the scene fades to black.
As the scene opens, we're in a brand new location - downtown Spokane, Washington, during it's "Hoopfest" tournament - Hoopfest is the largest 3 on 3 basketball tournament in the United States, and as the day wears on, the challengers fall... leaving the city with uninhabited basketball hoops in the middle of the street. Standing in khaki pants and a white blouse, Jo Ryder holds a basketball in two hands, before she looks up at the camera.
[Jo Ryder:] Is it running now? Good...
She turns, flipping her hair behind her and dribbling the basketball against the street as she uses one hand to pull her hair back into a ponytail...
[Jo Ryder:] This, ladies and gentlemen, is Spokane. The entire downtown section has been closed for the Hoopfest celebration; a large portion of this city has been closed, to be devoted to COMPETITION.
There's something oddly satisfying about that, satisfying in the same way as a box of Godiva chocolates, a pair of sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt, and a DVD remastered copy of the Greatest American Classic of cinematic filmmaking - "Weekend at Bernie's 2."
Jo continues dribbling, moving out towards the foul line...
But, you see, competition can only incite so much. Hoopfest works because it is once a year. When you ask someone to continually rise to competition, they start to burn out, like a star exhausting it's fuel, or a candle burnt to the very last...
You see, I have a problem. And this problem exists solely in OG-FPD.
This problem is Holly.
Jo dribbles back and forth from her left to her right hand, in a continual, fluid motion, as if she were born with these reflexes...
You see...
Warning: This was poached from Hugh Gallagher's College Application Essay.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them much more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas.I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo men and women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
She continues forward to the three point line.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. On Wednesdays, after Closing Bell, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
Continuing the dribble, she picks up speed in bouncing the ball back and forth, spreading her legs slightly, and even pulling a few tricks more reminiscient of a Harlem Globetrotters game out - bouncing the ball underneath her legs and continuing to dribble with her other hand...
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have peformed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
Despite her frenzied pace - which speeds up as she goes, her voice remains even, and she looks up at the camera with a smirk.
I balance, I dodge, I weave, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Jo stops bouncing, catches the ball in both hand, and turns, jumping and shooting the ball - which bounces perfectly against the backboard, and rolls along the rim before falling through the hoop.
I have memorized and recited an entire piece of literature while feverishly preparing for a three point basketball shot. Only twenty-seven percent of that is exaggeration - but, Holly, I have not yet silenced those flapping lips you call a mouth.
Jo turns, and steps off the court as the scene fades to black.