Orochi-O's Land!

[OrochiGeese]

5/2/05


*Random Orochi-O consumer Jimmy is watching his regular afterschool cartoons when a commercial break begins*

Jimmy: "I hate commercials...unless its about toys or extreme portable yogurt!"


*The first commercial starts off against a backdrop of a random amusement park. Standing in front of it, wearing casual "springwear," is Orochi-O's very own marketing director, Holly*

Holly: "Hi Orochi-O's fans!! This is Holly and I have a huge announcement for all of you"

Jimmy: "Boring"

Holly: "I heard that, kid"

*Jimmy freezes dead in his tracks*

*Holly wonders how she heard that too*

Holly: (Shakes it off): "Anyway... in a further attempt to spread worldwide the already successful Orochi-O's brand, we will be making a new theme park!! We will call it Orochi-O's Land and it will feature the best rides ever seen by man...or beast!"

*Holly begins walking through the amusement park... and shaking her head in disgust*

Holly: "I'm here at "Funland", some random amusement park. Most amusement parks...like this one...have become quite boring and predictable. You have your generic looping rolling coaster here, your vomit-inducing rotation machine there, and your boring ferris wheel. But...

*Holly conjures up a very fake look of longing and passion*

Holly: "Where's the love? Where's the brand name-induced fun? Orochi-O's is here to ensure that you will never have to ride a nameless and thoughtless "thrill" ride again. Instead, you can come to Orochi-O's-Land and sample OUR selection of REAL fun!"

Jimmy: "hmmm...i wonder what kind of rides they have"

Holly: "Great question kid!! For we will have the best of the best of the BEST rides!! Such as the "Rolling cradle!" In this ride, inspired by yours truly, you get to contort yourself inside a small plastic ball and roll around for a good 5 minutes as my beautiful voice is played over the speakers laughing! You think you enjoy those generic "teacup" rides...well wait til you ride my Rolling Cradle!!"


*A quick and soft voice over plays*

VO: "Vomit bags not included"

Holly: "And the main attraction of the park will be called the Burning Hammer!! Based on the superstar professional wrestler and very own Orochi-O's CEO, OrochiGeese, this will be the most INTENSE roller coaster you have EVER ridden!! You start off with your coaster being shot into the air while rotating up a vertical track, then you spin around a horizontal track about 8 times or so, and then transition into a FREEFALL which sends your car underground into the earth where the ride finally ends and you get carted off onto an "imaginary" stretcher back to the park where you get to sign a VERY fun "agreement not to sue"!"

*Suddenly a random lawyer pops into the commercial*

Lawyer: "Cause we'll contend that those tourists had neck injuries BEFORE riding the Burning Hammer!"

*Lawyer pops out*

Jimmy: "Huh?"

*Random still shot appears of an artists conception of this ride, complete with happy children*

Jimmy: "Cool!!!!!"

Holly: "But look at me!! I've been so selfish and self-absorbed!! I totally forgot to tell you about all those rides NOT based around OG and me."

*OrochiGoose walks by*

OrochiGoose: "Like the OrochiGoose meet and greet...sit on my lap and let me tickle..."

Holly: "Nope, sorry Goose, that idea is being scrapped."

*Orochigoose frowns and walks away downtrodden*


Holly: "I'm speaking of rides dedicated to the fine men and women of Team Ryder LLC. We here at Orochi-O's Inc have SUCH respect for them that we wanted to make rides based on their tremendous careers and "not at all whorish" lifestyles!"

Jimmy: "?"

Holly: "You'll understand when you're older kid"

Jimmy: "Oh"

Holly: "We will be featuring such rides as the "Frog Lilypad Jump." This is for kids only of course, and it basically a small wading pool with plastic lilypads. Jump onto all of them to win!"

Holly: "Also the Eddie Swan batting cage!! While we are unsure if Eddie actually likes baseball, we do know for sure that one thing he DOES seem to consider his "national past time" is getting hit in the head repeatedly by OrochiGeese until he falls down!! So stand in the batting cage, without a bat, as a cardboard cutout of OrochiGeese shoots out baseballs aimed at your head!!"

Holly: "And there is the Phil Buster snacketeria where a man dressed like Phil Buster hands you your food in silence. We don't really expect this to get over too much, but if he actually says a word you'll get your meal for free!"

Holly: "Also, there's the Fishboy Storytime plaza. Some greasy 18 year old will dress up as everyone's favorite Fishyboy and regale you with tales about how he once ate a whole sasquatch, or the time when he met Ariel the Little Mermaid under the sea, got her pregnant, and ran off! Good fun for the whole family!"

*Artists conception of a cartoon like Fishboy running from an angry pregnant mermaid drawing*

Jimmy: "?"

Holly: "Now we come to my two favorite rides. "Jo Ryder's Tunnel of Love" will be a main attraction in Orochi-O's Land. And best of all, it can accomodate a lot of guests at the same time!! That's because, the Tunnel of Love is so wide that many guests cars can go inside of it, and in different "entrances" simultaneously! We wanted to provide the full Jo Ryder experience and what better way then to have as many people as possible, men AND women, lodged inside of "her" while a background track of Jo Ryder squealing is played!! Throughout the ride you get to watch Jo Ryder's many accomplishments such as the people she met, the places she's seen, and everyone she's sucked of...uh, shook hands with to get to the great place she's at now!! Also, visit the Jo Ryder guest shop at the end of the ride to buy many special "novelty" gifts!"

*Artists conception of a gift shop with various chains, whips, and other uh "toys"*


Jimmy: "Like pez dispensers and yo-yo's"

Holly: "Well Jo is more of a receptacle then a dispenser...but a Pez Dispenser would be a good idea! After all, that way Jo can give her own form of "head candy" to even more people!"

Holly: "And finally, we come to another ride I had a large part in producing. The "Dizzy-go-stop" is themed after OG-FPD Joshi's new Champion: Diane "Dizzy" Cavuto. This ride will be an amazing technological marvel as it will feature STATE-OF-THE-ART "brake" mechanics!"

Jimmy: (looks cynical) How so?"

Holly: "I'm glad you asked!! You see...you'll start the "Dizzy-go-stop" in a small doggy-shaped car. The car will begin to go very very fast as it climbs a track. While the car climbs, you will even be given the opportunity to reach out and grab a gold belt...kinda like those old merry-go-rounds let you grab a "brass ring". But then...after having a smooth, unabstructed ride and grabbing the belt...you will soon see an obstacle in front of you...a large picture of ME! Your car will then suddenly stall and stop in its tracks...despite it rising as fast as it had been. And due to the immediate stalling, there is no way you'll be able to hold onto that nice new gold belt of yours!! And as your car stops, the belt will fly out of your hand and onto the cardboard picture of me!"

*Holly smirks*

Holly: "So as you see...all the rides in Orochi-O's Land are based on real life! We just know this will be the best theme park ever! And to honor our own Mr. Figaro and Mr. Clyde, we'll be having characters dressed like them walking around the park making snide remarks and generally being cynical!"

Jimmy: "Cool!"

Holly: "So please, come one, come all to Orochi-O's Land! The first 1000 people will get a free promotional box of Orochi-O's and Orochi-Money to use in the parks!!!! See you all there!"

*A voice-over plays*

VO: "Orochi-Money can not be redeemed or used in any way in the parks."


Jimmy: "MOM!! I want to go to Orochi-Land!"

[OrochiGeese]

(Note to Twinky: To save you time and to keep these RP's in relative temporal/causal order, i figured id just re-post your response to the Orochi-O's Land RP in this thread. Note to all: Twinky wrote this specific RP)


We're close on a television, which is playing the last bit of the "Orochi-O's Land" Commercial...

As the commercial fades, the cameras pull back, where we have Jo Ryder, Eddie Swan, Phil Buster and Dizzy close by... Phil steps up and stops the VCR, before looking back to the other three.

[Phil Buster:] So?

[Jo Ryder:] It would not surprise me to know that Fish had knocked up the "Little Mermaid."

[Eddie Swan:] I'm pretty good at baseball, actually.

Dizzy's shoulders hitch once, as she looks downwards...

[Phil Buster:] Okay, now what's the REAL opinion?

[Jo Ryder:] Legally, this pisses me off. I want my attorney on this right away, looking over every piece of contract I've ever signed with Orochi-O's Incorporated, I want legal recourse, I want a pot of coffee, I want cream and sugar to go with it, and I want to beat the life out of that incessantly chirping little rat before her defamation of character personal assaults drive me to violently abusing her with a broomstick.

[Eddie Swan:] ...wow.

[Jo Ryder:] Of course, I want to also maintain relations between the two companies. Orochi-O's Incorporated and the Ryder Management Group have much to offer each other; in the form of Dizzy's competing in OG-FPD's Joshi Division, as well as in their providing us with their experimental "Fiberochi-O's, the Heart Healthy Cereal That ALWAYS Give You The Big O."

[Phil Buster:] ...?

[Jo Ryder:] I believe Holly may have wrote the promotional pamphlets - it trails off in places on tangents about myself and various inanimate objects. Very exciting read, after I cripple the girl, she'll have a very successful run as a trashy romance novellist. Or perhaps the famed Penthouse letter writer! "I always thought your letters were fake until..."

[Eddie Swan:] So, what do we do?

[Jo Ryder:] Naturally, we do this in an acceptable fashion. This could be a sticking point, or we can take it as the opportunity of a lifetime.

[Phil Buster:] I hate it when you have ideas but stretch them out through this J. Peterman style bullcrap, just get to the point already.

[Jo Ryder:] -sounding genuinely hurt- ...People like when I do my J. Peterman style bullcrap...

[Eddie Swan:] Nnnn, I really want to know: What do you have in mind?

[Jo Ryder:] I suppose. Diane, how do you feel?

Dizzy's shoulders hitch again, and she looks up, tears running down her cheeks...

[Dizzy:] HOW CAN SHE SAY THINGS LIKE THAT? That makes me sick, she's supposed to be a professional, but she keeps acting like she's in middle school!

Dizzy bursts from her seat, and leaves, Jo turns and stands - Phil places his hand on her shoulder...

[Phil Buster:] Neh. Let her cry. It'll do her good.

Scene change... from Phil Buster holding Jo Ryder back, to Dizzy running through a hallway, tears run down her face like a steady stream of rainfall down a gutter, until she runs into Frog as he steps out of another room... Frog hits the ground, Dizzy landing on top of him... she throws her arms around his neck, and hugs him tightly, closely, as if he'll make the words she's heard go away...

[Frog:] Dizzy? What's wrong?

She cries loudly, and sobs, hitching against him once, as he puts his arm up, tentatively... he pats her on the back, and rubs, a "Everything will be okay if you just tell me what's happening" gesture...

[Dizzy:] D-d-d-d-d-di-did yyyy-y-y-yyyou sssssssssss-sss-ss-see Hol-hol-holly?

[Frog:] Shh... Diz, calm down... you're stuttering again... just take a break and keep going.

[Dizzy:] She was... on TV and was mean, she said bad things about everybody! Even you and Fish and Phil and Eddie and especially Jo! How can she say such bad things, Froggy, she's usually not so mean, but this time she's gone too far, that she has!

[Frog:] Okay, now, Diz... what we're gonna do... is take another deep breath... In...

Dizzy inhales, her chest pressing against Frog's as she rises...

Okay, now breathe out...

She exhales, and lowers against him...

[Dizzy:] ...what was that for?

[Frog:] Just to relax you, dude... Are you feeling better?

[Dizzy:] I'm... on top of you?

[Frog:] I'm not complaining.

[Dizzy:] Eep! I should get up.

She doesn't move...

[Frog:] Not gonna, huh?

[Dizzy:] In a minute, let me enjoy this.

[Frog:] Diz... this IS wrestling. People are gonna say bad things about you. They're going to say bad things about me, about Jo, about Eddie, about Phil - except, in Phil's case they might be right, the crazy ass psycho...

[Dizzy:] But, why can't everybody be HONORABLE, and wrestle for the sake of wrestling?

[Frog:] Your bestest new friend, Jo Ryder? She didn't exactly make her name through "Honor" you know. She cheated - she lied - she manipulated - and then she controlled people. She controls us, you know. Things are different because now we want to be controlled... but can you imagine what it'd be like if she just did it? Told you what to do - controlled you - molested you? Those rumors have to start SOMEWHERE, right?

[Dizzy:] ...but, that doesn't matter, does it? She's wrestling! That's what matters - the in ring product is everything, and if the in ring product is entertaining, screw the rest!

[Frog:] I see.

[Dizzy:] Oh! I didn't mean it like that, that I didn't... I mean, uh, er, that is-

[Frog:] That's okay, Diz. Now, c'mon. Get up. Let's go tell people that you're okay. You running through th\e apartment like that HAD to get somebody's attention.

[Dizzy:] ...I don't want to. I want to lay here and be selfish, and be protected, and...

[Frog:] And?

She pulls herself back, looking him in the eyes... she's smiling, but it seems forced.

[Dizzy:] ...and I wasn't wearing my smile yet. I have to be happy, you know?

She sits up on Frog, before leaning down and kissing his forehead before standing up... Frog helps himself up to his feet... and Dizzy hugs him one last time before leaving, as the scene fades to... the NEXT SCENE! BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY, three crappy promos for the price of one!

A podium - a backdrop - Jo Ryder in a business suit, black slacks and coat, a dark green blouse. She stands behind the podium, and looks out over the crowd of wrestling reporters who have no other purpose in life but to stand at these press conferences and be called on randomly to input one-liners and relevant questions..

[Jo Ryder:] Ladies and gentlemen... I'd like to speak to you all about the recent statements made by Holly, of the Orochi-O's company. After looking into it, I have decided NOT to file suit regarding Orochi-O's Land's unauthorized use of trademarks held by Ryder Management Group, LLC.

Instead, we humbly request a large number of Lifetime passes to this attraction - and we want these passes to include no waiting in line, no paying for food, and 10% of all profits from the park, to be determined by an independant auditor. We request this all be delivered promptly, lest we file suit. Should we be given what we ask for, I can guarantee no legal recourse to these allegations.

Finally, we ask for one more thing: A live wrestling event to be held AT Orochi-O's Land, or rather, one MATCH to be held at Orochi-O's Land. This match will be recorded live, and there shall be an announce team - I shall make every attempt to reunite the announce team of NDP's Visper Karr and the King of Snack Road Twinky McLanahan to announce this event, as it is broadcast live on Pay Per View, with a DVD release in the near future.

Jo smiles, and looks directly into the camera, her voice carrying a grave sincerity...

[Jo Ryder:] We will be given everything we want. If I deemed this floor worthy of having the stocking foot of Jo Ryder touch it I would remove my shoe so you could all see the high quality of which I am accustomed to.

In fact...

Jo opens one side of her jacket, and points at a label, stitched into the clothing.

If you'll please zoom in on this...

The camera does so, and Jo reads the tag aloud...

[Jo Ryder:] "Made for the true champion of women's wrestling, Joann Laine Ryder by Donatella Versace."

Only four suits in America have tags this personallized, and I own three of them. They are custom fit by my own private tailor, and then I am fit in the finest silks the world has to offer.

What is the point of telling you all thi- are you focusing on my breast? Pull the camera back now, mouth-breather.

I am telling you all this to inform you of the high class of life I have.

And to tell you what I will proudly give up to send Holly back to the street corner she came from, accepting pay ment . To send Orochi Geese into a fit of eating at fast food places that will make the beloved "Lobster stuffed with Tacos" dish an expensive dream of when he was a king - I, myself, have enjoyed this dish cooked by the finest French chefs to sneak past the border illegally - which triples the price.

I will give all that up - I will leave my life of luxury to destroy this cereal company if I am pushed to that point, to drive Mr. Clyde and Mr. Figaro into freelance body guard work in River City, where they'll be beaten on MERCILESSLY by high school martial arts experts who are attempting to save their girlfriend and/or kick the ass of everybody in the city!

Of course, that's nonsense! Who would believe such a preposterous scenario?! Ahahahah!!

She clears her throat, and the smile returns in full force.

So, Geese. Your company will give me what I want, and will continue to give me what I want. Did you know... I nearly drove my father into bankruptcy?

Jo leans forward, and the smile is betrayed by the intensity of her words...

Imagine what I'll do to somebody I don't like.

Scene fades to black. FOR REAL.