Maths

[OrochiGeese]

Event: "Maths"

Date Held: Saturday, June 24, 2023.

Report Posted: Sunday, December 17, 2023.

Location: Georges Lemaître Memorial Arena in Westchester, New York.


So hiya! Tomoe Yoshida, reporting for duty!

I'm the new girl around here and tonight is my first show. Sink or swim, slash or bust!

Welcome to Maths - the first event of the "Detention" tour. We have four matches for you and two Championships on the line. What's this? We're already running late? Chop chop! Let's get to it!


Billie of CATCH! Army comes out to the ring with Louise. Louise is wearing a shirt that says "Real Sports have Real Rules." I think that may be a protest to some of the shenanigans we've seen. It clashes with my "Imagination Sports have flying ponies" shirt though so it's good I didn't wear that.

Robin Walker is next and ooh, maybe she had a rough night? I know it's not polite to say someone looks tired but I'm also supposed to call it like it is. Miss Walker is practically sleepwalking to the ring. She's shambling about and her balance is off. Imagine an inebriated mummy? Don't, actually. If you think of them, then they may come to life and sign you up for magazine subscriptions.

Okay time to be serious - wrestle words... activate!


Match 1 - Billie vs Robin Walker

Billie starts the match with a successful double leg takedown - a.k.a. a Greco-Roman leg clipper - a.k.a. a subterranean reaping thrust. Before she's able to follow it with another move, Robin begins howling and gyrating her body in the most inappropriate of manners! This causes Billie to immediately flee from her own top mount and angrily gesture to Louise. This has the predictable effect of causing Louise to run backstage. I think we all know who she's about to drag to ringside.

In the meantime, Robin is still "enjoying herself" on the mat as she writhes on it and cackles.

Billie is keeping her distance but complaining to Azumi Oonishi, our unfortunately chosen referee for the match. Azumi is clever enough to start a standing 10-count but Robin gets up a tenth of a second before the 7 count. For someone so seemingly tired, you have to admire her internal clock.  The NY Athletic Commission representative comes out and tries to disqualify Robin on multiple grounds including lack of sleep, supernaturally-induced "appetite", and being under the influence of performance-reducing pharmaceuticals. Pick a lane!

Robin laughs it all off and now she lays herself down to sleep.
I pray the lord a dry ring mat we keep.

The representative marches over to the timekeeper to get the bell rung to end the match but Azumi is now angry at them for trying to muscle in on her refereeal authority. She then throws the representative out of the building! Ref on Rep madness! What will the NY Assembly say!?  

Robin suddenly arises from her slumber, projecting a chilling expression of infernal hunger from her eyes. Billie tries to take her down once more, but Robin impressively stuffs it by catching her in a front face lock. Then she rolls them both backward on the mat and claims the top mount. She begins wrapping her arms and legs around Billie's body while screaming in a mix of agony and enjoyment!! Billie is extremely unsettled by this but can not seem to escape despite her mat expertise.

For all of the shenanigans, you have to admire Robin's technique...err, I should say ability to fight off an accomplished grappler. The squeezing appears to be doing it's physical damage while Billie's mind and soul are being tested by this harrowing ordeal! Louise throws in the towel before the punishment can continue. Robin earns the surprising and gross victory. Gross.

Billie (X) ["Special Hug" - 12:15] (X) Robin Walker


After laying a long and wet kiss on Billie, Robin laughs maniacally and runs backstage.


Like I said, I calls it like it is - and that was not the best start to the evening.

However, things are going to pick up for the next match as Megan Williams battles Kat Black.

Kat Black has gone on a tear recently through all of her opponents. I think we're looking at a top contender to just about any Championship we have here. I'd even suggest the UBBlers watch their back when Kat is around. Her focus, intensity, and aggression are peaking to new levels. Her agility is on par with anyone in the promotion, her strikes are deadly, her throws are torquetastic, and her submissions have led to more than a few cat naps over the past few events.

Megan is one half of the Beaver Cleavers, along with Kellie Boone. They are a registered tag team but they also support each others singles careers and maybe singing careers too. They seem like the type of girls who would sing, right? I'm just going to go on record and say I'm a fan. In the ring, Megan is a burgeoning superstar. She has an eclectic mix of power, technical ability, and speed. She isn't running around the ring like a jumpadore but she knows how to channel her energy into explosive bursts of speed that allow her muscles to cleave through her opponents.

The match got moving quickly. Megan paused on the apron to pose for the crowd, and with her back turned Kat hit the ropes opposite. She clipped Megan’s knee with a sliding dropkick, sending her tumbling from the apron. Kat got a few well placed kicks in while pulling the furs off of Megan, before rolling her back into the ring to start the match proper.


Match 2 - Megan Williams vs. Kat Black

Kat maintained initiative for the first few minutes of the match, stalking Megan with kicks and elbows. She fired back time and again, only to be shut down as Kat targeted her knee with vicious precision.

Megan managed to get some momentum after dodging Kat rushing her in the corner and catching her with a big cutter on the rebound. This gave her a moment to regroup and take the battle to her opponent, blistering chops going toe to toe with staggering kicks as Megan tried to leverage her power advantage over her taller opponent.

It looked like it was starting to work, too. Megan even got a series of near falls, even getting a close two count with a leg trap backdrop. Calling for the end of the match, she set Kat up for her Canadian Busteh. But as she came out of the corner, Kat flowed with her movements and turned it into a big swinging DDT. Not satisfied with spiking Megan on her head just the once, Kat followed up with a big reverse frankensteiner before locking in her version of the STF, really cranking back on Megan’s neck who, after a desperate attempt to reach the ropes, was forced to tap.

Kat Black (O) [“Fade to Black” - 11:43] (X) Megan Williams

No sooner had Kat been declared the winner than she crouched down over the recovering Megan. Face to face, uncomfortably close, her words were hidden from the audience by her mask, but their effect on Megan was not. Kat slid out under the bottom rope, draping herself in some of Megan’s furs and taunting her all the while she made her way up the ramp, a dark glee in her eye.


*The music of Eris Byrne hits, and the Goddess of Chaos makes her way down to the ring in full regalia, cloak billowing behind her and flanked by a trio of masked figures.

She makes her way to the centre of the ring, one of the masked women handing her a mic as she looks out over the crowd. Raising her voice just as the last notes of her theme die down, Eris starts to speak.

“Miss me? Think my invite got lost, so I just had to crash your little party before the champs come out to play. I’ve been missing out on a scrap here, so I'm gonna make this crystal clear. No one will be outside the blast radius when the Divine Anarchy is unleashed.

All of you." *She points to the entrance ramp. "You carry one of those lovely belts? Maybe you even call yourself a champion. That only means I’m watching. We’re watching. And until you work up the nerve to step into our ring, don’t forget.

Chaos reigns.”

*The arena lights flicker and pulse, bathing the ring in purple and red before momentarily going out.


Wow-ee! I think I just got a shiver down my spine!! The intensity is off the charts tonight!!

Eris means business but it seems light on the bylaws, if you catch my meaning. If you do catch it, please return it to me care of Tomoe Yoshida at George Lemaître Memorial Arena. Thanks!

Now we turn to our first Championship match of the evening. The Pain Train, of Yasuna Shimizu and Hanako, battle the holders of the Covalent Bond tag team championship: The Snow Seraphs. Teresa Tanaka and Xouxou Chen have been bonded by electrons for a long time. Have you ever held an electron in your hand and sensed the comradery for your fellow persons grow? It's a beautiful thing, really. All in good time, Tomoe. Life just happens, you can't plan every second!

Yasuna and Hanako come down to the ring in their custom, crowd-pleasing way. Yasuna jumps on the back of the ginormous Hanako and makes train sounds while Hanako rushes down the ramp. This is an act tailor made for the fans which we all hope will be allowed into the arena soon!

The Snow Seraphs come out next to a wondrous display of actual snow falling down from the rafters. It's expensive, messy, and takes time to clean up but wow what a spectacle!! These two are true arctic angels! In just like 10-15 minutes, the ring will be safe to wrestle again too!!


Match 3 - Pain Train vs. Snow Seraphs (c)

Covalent Bond Championship

(Yasuna Shimizu/Hanako) vs. Teresa Tanaka/Xouxou Chen

For angels, they sure fight like demons! Teresa and Xouxou dominate the early portion of this match by singling out Yasuna for punishment and preventing her from tagging. Although Yasuna's speed and grit are turning heads around here, Teresa matches her agility and Xouxou is tough as nails. The two are able to neutralize Yasuna's high energy bursts of offenses with their own abilities and keep Yasuna in their corner. Xouxou holds her down in various submissions while Teresa keeps her peppered with strikes and salted with hurracanranas. I'll take a salted rim on my hurracanrana!

However, Hanako has enough of this teamwork, despite it not breaking the rules. She runs into the ring to create some space for Yasuna and flattens both Seraphs as a result. Azumi sends Hanako back to her corner but it looks like the strategy worked. Yasuna is on her way to make the tag when Xouxou catches her in a leg lock. Yasuna is in some trouble here against the expert seraph of submission. Hanako is about to save her again when Teresa hits a huge turnbuckle rebound dropkick on her, sending her careening backwards. Xouxou may just eek this one out but Yasuna wills her way out of it!! I didn't see a technical reversal here but I think Xouxou just wasn't expecting the fading Yasuna to suddenly use all her energy to escape!!

The tag is made and Hanako doles out lunch service on the train in the form of knuckle sandwiches! Hanako is dominating both champions while Yasuna gets some much needed R&R on the apron. The numbers eventually catch up to Hanako too though and now she's the one being isolated. We're really seeing the toughness of each member of Pain Train individually being put to the test against the masterful teamwork of the Snow Seraphs. I don't know how much longer this match can last at this rate. The Champions are showing teamwork expertise tonight.

However, Hanako's fire is still burning logs and she lariats both opponents off the apron when they try to set her up for the "Brilliant Blizzard" (Double cattle branding.) Teresa gets knocked off the apron but Xouxou hangs on just long enough for Hanako to bring her into the ring with a hard vertical suplex. She follows up with her own finisher - the "Derailer" (running powerbomb into the corner). She covers and just gets a 2 count before Teresa breaks up the pin. Teresa goes for a hurracanrana but Hanako powerbombs her hard. Xouxou is about to take out Hanako's legs from behind but Yasuna rushes forward and jumps on Xouxou's back to stuff her attempt. She then rolls her onto her back, grabs her legs, and catapults her out of the ring!!

Hanako picks up the recovering Teresa and whips her hard into the corner where she stays. Then Yasuna jumps on Hanako's shoulder as Hanako runs toward Teresa. Yasuna jumps off Hanako and balances on the top rope to the right of the turnbuckle before Hanako hits Teresa with a spear. Teresa staggers forward while Yasuna jumps backward and catches her with a frankensteiner for the pin!! This is the first time they have hit the "Locomotor" and we have new Covalent Bond Champions as a result!! What a night!!

Yasuna Shimizu/Hanako (O) "Locomotor" - 27:30] (X) Teresa Tanaka/Xouxou

Yasuna and Hanako celebrate with their new tag title belts while the Snow Seraphs slink backstage.


We're now up to our main event where the Wattage Championship will be defended by Hitokiri Hattori against Karla of CATCH! Army. Karla is accompanied by Georgina who has faced Hattori before. Georgina, the most physically imposing of CATCH! Army, once had her leg broken by Hattori. This, in addition to the lure of the Title, became the rallying cry for Karla to challenge Hattori. There is no love lost between Georgina and Hattori but CATCH! Army do have a code of honor. They never physically interfere in each other's matches. While we can expect numerous calls to the athletic commission, Georgina wouldn't lay a hand on Hattori. And I'm not sure she'd want to try given Hattori's disposition to break arms as well as legs. However, Karla is also known to be quite adept at joint locks so Hattori can't be seen as the favorite here if you expect a submission to be the result. With a draw in submission ability, the real difference between the two lies in Hattori's deadly striking and aerial prowess compared to Karla's desire to keep things on the ground at all times.


Match 4 - Karla vs. Hitokiri Hattori (c)

Wattage Championship

That desire manifests itself immediately as Karla absorbs a uraken by Hattori to deliver a takedown! After a minute of Hattori teasing her stand-up dominance, Karla actually intentionally absorbed a glancing blow just to get Hattori down. I don't know the wisdom of that, especially since Karla appears slow to follow up, but it did take Hattori partially out of her comfort zone. Hattori is trying to grab an arm from bottom guard but Karla is more experienced from this position, even when stunned. She shifts her weight around to keep Hattori off balance physically and disrupt her timing, then begins peppering her with elbows.

Georgina is yelling: "Give her a mouse!" Wow, is it even that time of year yet?

Hattori is having trouble covering up and reversing due to Karla staggering her blows. However, the breaks in action are enough to allow Hattori an opening to grab Karla's elbow on the way down, re-direct the trajectory, and slam it hard against the mat.  Ouch! That broke the dominant position Karla had, and perhaps her ulna.

(Don't sleep on having a functional ulna, folks. Keep that thing oiled up and well cared for!)

Hattori now takes control of the match. Rather than target the arm though, she appears to taunt Georgina by targeting her friend's leg. With vicious stomps to Karla's knee, Hattori forces Georgina to vividly recall the lead-up to her own injury. Hattori then goes outside the ring and uses Karla's injured leg to pull her body under the bottom turnbuckle. She wraps Karla's leg around the post. Then Hattori hits a sliding dropkick onto the knee from the apron! Karla is now hanging off the mat by the thread that is her leg. Hattori gets back onto the apron and displays impressive vertical leap skills as she bounds onto the top turnbuckle in one shot. Then she dives off of it with a double stomp onto Karla's dangling leg!! You can actually hear a snap. This is gruesome!

Hattori goads Georgina to do something about it. Georgina gestures backstage. Billie and Louise come running out with the same NY State Athletic commission representative who was rebuffed before. He's arguing with Azumi for allowing this type of violence by Hanako. Azumi is saying that Hattori hasn't broken any rules. What about our hearts though!? Aren't there rules for that!?

The argument between the two has broken Azumi's outside count and redirected her attention from the action. Hattori used the opportunity to place a joint lock on Karla's now clearly injured leg. Georgina finally has the wherewithal to stop the argument inside the ring and point to what's occurring outside of it. Azumi orders everyone else to leave the ringside area and speeds up her outside count to compensate for the distraction. Hattori hoists and rolls Karla into the ring. Karla tries to defend on her back with one broken leg and the other one providing little power in kicking Hattori away. Hattori lets out a battle cry them jumps with both feet onto Karla's stomach. This causes Karla to wince, wheeze, and grab her abdomen, allowing her legs to go unguarded. Hattori immediately grabs the wounded leg in her finisher: the "Spinning Bat-tou Hold" for the easy submission victory. Hattori scales the top turnbuckle and holds her Championship up high.

Karla (X) ["Spinning Bat-tou Hold" - 15:35] (O) Hitokiri Hattori


Suddenly I notice that Kat Black is standing off to the side of the entrance ramp. I don't know how long she has been there. Between the shenanigans with CATCH! Army and the NY State Athletic commission representative, and the nauseating ultraviolence perpetrated onto Karla, Kat could have snuck in at any time. Well, not during her match I guess, right? She was in the ring then so it's not like she could have snuck onto the ramp to watch this match? Or could she? Hmmm...

In any case, she's staring right at Hattori who appears to have trained her eye right back on her. I don't know if there's going to be some kind of confrontation here. You have to believe Kat is a, if not the, top contender to Hattori's Title. However, before Kat could decide to move closer to the ring, the rest of CATCH! Army run down to aid Karla. By the time I looked up to see Kat's reaction to them, she was already gone. Wow, way to say goodbye, Kat! And on my first day too!

And that is exactly what I'll be saying to all of you fans right now. Maths has concluded!! Our sum has been reached! Thank you for joining us and we'll see you at "OG-Joshi: Statistics" in a few weeks. Kathy Queen will be defending her Venemous Vixen championship against Aria Holt! In the meantime, UBL will be coming to you next with their "Out of Oorter" event!