Æther
Oct 21, 2023 4:00:01 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Oct 21, 2023 4:00:01 GMT -5
Event: "Æther"
Date Held: Saturday, June 3rd, 2023.
Report Posted: Saturday, October 21, 2023.
Location: Georges Lemaître Memorial Arena in Westchester, New York.
This is John Randolph and we're bringing you a supercard with OG-Joshi and UBL! There's a total of five matches with two Championships on the line. So let's get right into the action. I mean, that's what we usually do here, right?
The first team has just come to the ring for our opening tag match. Joining us for action is the CATCH! Army. As always, these four women are all business. No one questions the stoic silence of their leader Karla. Georgina and Louise, the CATCH! representatives for this match, have had quite a tag team run as of late. Their in ring behavior just screams aggression despite their reserved personalities outside of it. I think they could be Champions in the future. Karla and Billie are seconding and thirding them tonight but they don't seem like threats to illegally interfere in the match.
They are up against the Beaver Cleavers. Megan Williams is our resident trapper and Kellie Boone is a noted pioneer in the grappling frontier. Both women come to the ring draped in furs and hides that they personally caught and will keep them warm this winter. Luckily they take them off before entering the ring. The stench would not be kind.
While I would give the advantage in mat wrestling to CATCH! Army, you shouldn't underestimate the grappling ability of Megan and Kellie. Also, I'm not a marketing wizard but I'm pretty certain we'll be seeing "Cleave dat Beave" T-shirts worn by a large percentage of our fans soon. Whether that's a good thing or not is uncertain.
Match 1 - CATCH! Army vs. The Beaver Cleavers
Georgina/Louise vs. Megan Williams/Kellie Boone
The Cleavers are used to chasing down small animals but were the ones chased and CATCHED (...sorry, caught) in this match. Georgina was especially ferocious in taking and holding down Kellie. A half-nelson almost caught Megan to submit her halfway through the match but she grabbed the ropes with the energy of pursuing a slippery eel for supper.
The Cleavers did manage to turn the tide by using their team work. One thing the CATCH! Army seems to have trouble accepting is the legality of utilizing 2 on 1 maneuvers. They don't realize that these matches are cooperative rather than 2 on 2. They also refuse to intervene from the apron to even break up a pinning situation on their partners. The Cleavers work smoothly in their mutual offense and don't mind pushing the boundaries of the non-legal partner's presence.
However, they started taking liberties with the DQ count as a safety net so Karla stormed backstage in a fury. When she came back, a representative of the New York State Athletic Commission was tailing behind her. The man stopped the match and lectured Megan and Kellie for their unsportswoman-like conduct. The referee was completely shocked during this, as he questioned the authority of the man to even do this.
When the match was restarted, Georgina immediately pounced on Megan and clapped on the bear hug. Ironically, Megan had no answer to being squeezed like an animal and immediately tapped out.
Louise/Georgina (O) [Bear Hug - 24:10] (X) Megan/Kellie
Our next match decides the number one contender for the UBL Starlight Championship. This is a Title for wrestlers who are below 200 pounds and prefer as frictionless a progression through space and time as possible. The first competitor is Tetsu Gushiken, a member of the Matsuki MECH freedom fighters. They travel through the universe protecting our universe's most vulnerable creatures from injustice and evil schemes. Tetsu has come out in his customary MECH suit.
(Luckily for his opponent, this suit is just for making a flashy entrance)
His opponent for the night is the dastardly SCUMM Mask. We don't know much about this wrestler but his mask reminds me of a creature of some type. An octopus or squid? Something with tentacles. It's disconcerting: that I'm sure of. Mr. SCUMM is a master of shenanigans, hijinks, and villainy.
I, for one, am glad that a hero of the caliber of Tetsu is present to stare him down.
Match 2 - Tetsu Gushiken vs. SCUMM Mask
Tetsu had this match under control using an array of kicks, suplexes, and joint locks. Even with his conservative offense, you could see a glimmer of pure joy in Tetsu's eyes. He seemed to really love what he was doing out there. If one didn't know any better, you'd think he hadn't done it for years. From what I remember pretty clearly, he was just out here a few weeks ago beating the mad scientist Dr. Korvin. But even if competing is commonplace for Tetsu, it's nice to see he kept his passion. Seeing his mood was the high point of the match. Seeing how his mood changed was the low point.
After a devious poke to the eyes, SCUMM Mask threw Luke out of the ring then rolled him under it. SCUMM then took out some kind of strange device from his pocket. He pressed a big button and electricity filled the ring. Look, I don't know how he did this or if it's even verifiable. But I think SCUMM Mask just sent Tetsu back in time, then brought him back to the present. Why? Two minutes later, Tetsu rolled out wearing U.S. colonial attire from the late 18th century. He seemed just as confused about this as I was! And that powdered wig wasn't doing his complexion any favors. SCUMM took advantage of Tetsu's rare lapse in concentration and hit him with the D.I.S.C. Driver. (Spinning Brainbuster)
Tetsu Gushiken (X) ["D.I.S.C. Driver" - 12:15] (O) SCUMM Mask
After the match, the other Matsuki MECH members came out to check on Tetsu. SCUMM Mask wisely made a hasty retreat but his method of success tonight should alarm everyone in the locker room and in the timestream.
We're back to tag action as the ground begins to shake signaling the arrival of the Win Peaks: a formidable and practically unmoveable tag team. Yoshirozuna and Wang Gom-Bu are the personifications of the spirits of Mount Fuji and Mount Everest. I do not think there is another team that can lay claim to being as strong or as focused as these two. They stay rooted to the ground but tower over all comers.
Their opponents tonight are Pro-Inhibition. Charles Langford has spent his life on a moral crusade against gambling, drinking, and all forms of debauchery. His partner, Jasper Woodruff, is an expert orator born with a silver tongue. Together, they fight against any behavior they consider unwholesome and immoral. They aren't exactly the easiest gents to get along with and can get a little judgy if you take a sippy of the ole whisky or a pull of the ole pud.
The challenge for Pro-Inhibition is channeling their moral crusade against...nature. Mountains aren't known for their sinning, or their drinking, for that matter. Pro-Inhibition usually graces us with a pre-match speech against the sins of their opponents but they clearly had trouble fomenting genuine anger against these two.
[Charles:] "Every day you two drink more than your share of... morning dew."
[Jasper:] "I am disgusted at the erosion of morality I have seen from you both. You act like your positions are so righteous when really you are just sinners of the highest order."
*Wang and Yoshirozuna shrug.*
Match 3 - Win Peaks vs. Pro-Inhibition
Yoshirozuna/Wang Gom-Bu vs. Charles Langford/Jasper Woodruff
Unfortunately for Pro-Inhibition, their gameplan wasn't any more clever than their speech was. As a result, they got crushed here. I mean, this was not pretty. The Win Peaks beat Pro-Inhibition from pillar to post, and then from pinnacle to pit. I just don't think Pro-Inhibition had the accusatory fire in their bellies against this team as they did with the others. And even if they did, they had no idea how to channel it into effective offense, or defense, against these two behemoths. The Win Peaks pick up the win after Yoshirozuna mounted Charles and unloaded with headbutts. Jasper threw in the towel only for Wang Gom-Bu to catch it and then throw it over Charles' blood-stained face.
Wang Gom-Bu/Yoshirozuna (O) [Mounted headbutts - 12:10] (X) Charles Langford/Jasper Woodruff/
Nothing like the crisp mountain air of a Win Peaks squash to clear the palate and prepare us for our two main events for the evening. In the first one, Robin Walker challenges Kathy Queen for her OG-Joshi Venomous Vixen Championship.
There is a lot of bad blood in this match. Robin "Big Talker" Walker is a motivational speaker that could run circles around Jasper Woodruff with her gift for gab. She is best known for her self-branded "Get off your ass, with class!" instructional series and makes millions off her tours and DVDs. In the ring, she's a fierce competitor who goes right at her opponent with everything she has. Her style differs from match to match because her real focus is on weakening her opponent's will with passive aggressive taunts. She has also shown impressive endurance.
Kathy Queen is a witch. No, I'm not using that word as a pejorative. She's literally a self-proclaimed witch. And she has already marveled us with feats of magic that we simply can not explain. She delights in seducing her opponents, and anyone in the building, to use as fresh meat for her dark designs. In the ring, her greatest joy is applying sadistic holds to hear pleas for mercy. Kathy has been an absolutely dominant Champion and Robin is going to need to bring more than words to take her down. Getting into Kathy's head is a more complex task than Robin has had to face. However, there's no "quit" in Robin's philosophy. More importantly, there was no one that could reason with her to decline this match.
Match 4 - Robin Walker vs. Kathy Queen (c)
OG-Joshi Venomous Vixen Title
Robin appeared one coffee short of a "get one free" card on her way to the ring. But when Kathy came out, sporting her usual array of talisman and a mischievous look on her face, Robin's energy tempered just a little bit. Usually her offensive aggression is firing on all cylinders, but tonight she appeared to be taking a different approach. She waited for Kathy to strike first and then attempted to counter. This actually worked well early on, as it appears Kathy was not expecting this strategy. After scoring a few early takedowns, Robin's confidence built up to the point she started laying in her taunts.
"Is being a witch even a real job? You're just living in Satan's basement instead of your parent's."
Ouch.
However, as the match went on, Robin's speed and overall vitality seemed to drain quicker than her exerted energy and absorbed punishment would indicate. Even when Kathy appeared to be falling behind in the match, she never shed her malicious grin. Eventually, Robin wore herself out and started panting in the middle of the ring. Kathy took the opportunity to plant a forceful and wet kiss on her!! At first, Robin appeared to enthusiastically return the gesture. (Part of Robin's inspirational social credo was to "never say no to new chances to network.") However, she started to struggle when Kathy would not let go of the kiss. This drained the color right out of Robin's face and she collapsed. The referee administered the standing ten count but, for once, Robin could not hype herself up to rise and answer the call.
Robin Walker (X) [Kiss - 10:15] (O) Kathy Queen
Kathy laughed, delivered an incantation, and dropped some old bones on top of Robin's body as the color continued to drain from her. OG-Joshi medics came to the scene to quickly whisk her away. This does not bode well for the "Big Talker" or for the other opponents that hope to face Kathy in the future.
Now we turn to UBL's main event as Matt Rivers faces Corey O'Brian for his "Westchester Warrior of the Week" Title. Cosmic K*I*D orchestrated a groundbreaking deal with our county of Westchester to sponsor this TV Title. Every week that Corey defends it, he gets a free meal in Westchester's up and coming restaurant scene. That's a pretty sweet deal! Even barbarian warlords need to eat and, to be honest, I'm glad Corey's getting his food from an approved vendor.
(Use a meat thermometer, warlords!)
Corey has held on to this Championship for as long as one can remember. But tonight he has a challenger that is like no other. Matt Rivers is a storm chaser, a tornado tamer, and a hurricane harasser. Matt has played Twister with a twister and lived to tell the story. That has led him to be fearless in the ring - which is exactly the quality one must have to even step into it against Corey O'Brian. The Champion of the Morrigan is a warmonger who would stare down the eye of the hurricane and make it blink first...then gouge it. Corey is arguably the most fearsome man on this roster. I don't envy Matt Rivers for the task he has in front of him but, at least this time, his camera crew won't be thrown into the ocean.
Speaking of his loyal crew, they have come out first to chronicle his entrance. Matt walks out wearing his customary apocalypse-grade raincoat complete with waterproof hood and flood boots. He's ready for anything folks! Even the rather uncomfortable humidity in this arena. Maybe it's the HVAC? Autumns in the northeast are weird.
"Where Silent Gods Stand Guard" by Amon Amarth plays on the speakers and Corey O'Brian comes out mounted!! Corey rides a horse slowly down the ramp as he wields a poleaxe in one arm, a shield in the other, a bow on his shoulder, and a sword on his back. Luckily for our modest budget, he put all of that down right before I took this photo.
Match 5 - Matt Rivers vs. Corey O'Brian (c)
UBL "Westchester Warrior of the Week" Title
"Westchester Warrior of the Week" matches have a twenty minute time limit. This was the closest anyone has gotten to pushing Corey to that mark. Rivers came out of the gate agile and adept at executing his gameplan. And that plan was takedowns and stretches to target Corey's arm and neck. I think Matt wanted to neutralize some of Corey's biggest weapons. Matt got a false sense of confidence though and attempted to upgrade to a series of side suplexes. As Matt tried to hit the second, Corey blocked it and flattened Matt with the "Red Right Hand" shotei.
Corey took control and now it was his turn to wear down his opponent. Matt may have been tossed through a tree by the wind but he's never had his body bludgeoned like he was tonight. The warrior O'Brian stomped Matt's back with his feet, spiked Matt's face with elbows, and threw him into each ringpost. Corey decided to go for an early finish attempt to see what Matt was made of. And he almost got him to tap with "Gae Bulg" (Fish Stretch Sleeper). Matt kept his cool and found his way to the ropes. Corey didn't break the hold though! He held onto it until a microsecond before the 5 count.
The damage was done and Corey went for the knockout blow in the form of another "Red Right Hand." Matt ducked then sent Corey down to the mat in the "Atmospheric Rivers" crossface. Corey did not seem in danger of tapping but this may be the first time we've seen him register any pain on his face. However, that expression was quickly followed by one of appreciation! Corey seemed to be enjoying fighting this battle. Matt realized that Corey was not at risk for a submission and picked him up with a side headlock. He transitioned to Corey's back and hit a "Dry Heat" arm-trapping backdrop hold. Corey kicked out at two and Matt went right to his "Certainty of Rain" suplex finisher for a 2.9! Corey kicked out!!
Matt started to look frustrated but he didn't give up. He went to the top turnbuckle and hit a "AQI 300" frog splash. However, Corey saw it coming and threw his knees up to counter. He immediately grabbed Matt into "Cu Culhann's Wrath" (Orienteering with Napalm Death). Matt had nowhere to go but he refused to tap. His fighting spirit kept him willing and conscious. Corey realized what needed to be done. When it looked like he was going to transition the hold into another, he quickly broke it and then dragged Matt up to his feet. Matt attempted a rolling lariat but Corey ducked, kicked hm in the stomach, then hit him with the "Ban Sidhe Buster" (Muscle Buster) for the decisive win.
Matt Rivers (X) ["Ban Sidhe Buster" - 17:50] (O) Corey O'Brian
Matt's camera crew quickly dragged Matt out of the ring. Corey held his sword up in one hand and the Title belt in the other and roared in celebration to end the show. He'll be eating well tonight! See you soon, folks!