Summer fun begin....NOW!
May 10, 2008 16:12:02 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on May 10, 2008 16:12:02 GMT -5
*It's 4pm on Monday after school and 13-year old Billy is watching action-toons on Toonout-Vision while burying his hand in assorted cheez-flavored snacks. Suddenly, the feed is scrambled. He protests for a moment and then mashes his cheezy hands on the remote keypad. This just makes things worse. A few seconds later, the feed descrambles and we're given a black and white picture.*
[Billy:] "WHOA! I went back in time!"
*A female voice is heard*
[Voice:] "No you didn't, you buffoon. This is part of the commercial!"
[Billy:] "Then I went to the future where the tv TALKS to me! Cool!"
*A groan is heard from the tv as OG-Joshi World Champion Holly steps into view wearing Orochi-O's Business attire: springwear edition. She rolls her eyes at Billy*
[Holly:] "This is the fourth year we've been doing this and you STILL don't remember!? *Holly looks at his hands and recoils* And what the hell are you doing with those disgusting snacks!? You're greasy and pizza-faced AS it is!! Throw that junk out and run, don't walk, to the cupboard to get some Orochi-O's!"
[Billy:] "Yes ma'am!"
*Billy does as Holly requests and goes back to his couch*
[Holly:] "Now, do you know why I'm here?"
[Billy:] "Cause my Health teacher said its natural to touch myself."
[Holly:] "Ahh, you've hit puberty full-stride, haven't you? Well then you'll want to pay attention to THIS-"
*The screen changes from Holly to a bunch of bikini-clad girls engaging in waterspor...fun while riding down assorted flumes and tubes. Billy's eyes glaze over.*
[Holly:] "Yeah, that's right Timmy-"
*Billy is too obsessed with the images to correct her so she shrugs*
[Holly:] "What you are seeing is just PART of the new experience we have for you in...
*Big letters come onto the screen saying: Orochi-O's Land*
[Billy:] "COOL!!! IT'S BACK!!"
[Holly:] "That it is. And you better believe that this year's attractions are the best ones EVER!"
[Billy:] "You mean I never have to TRY to have fun again! You'll do it all for me!?"
[Holly:] "Everything but put your hands down your pants!"
[Billy:] "WOW!"
[Holly:] "So let's get started, we have a lot to cover. In fact, this isn't just a commercial, it's an INFOMERCIAL." *Holly snaps her fingers and a small 30 minute clock appears on the screen*
[Billy:] "YEA! EDUTAINMENT!! Informicize me!"
[Holly:] "Uh, yeah!"
*Holly rolls her eyes again and walks over to a monstrosity of a building.*
[Holly:] "Let's start with an old favorite, specifically: THE most popular ride in Orochi-O's for the past three years, Jo Ryder's "Tunnels of Love". This ride has accommodated enough people to fill a large cuntry."
[Billy:] "Something sounded different about the way you said "country!"
[Holly:] "Indeed! Now, we here at Orochi-O's aren't content to rest on our laurels. Some companies take a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" strategy but we INNOVATE. We strive to make the best even BETTER."
[Billy:] "Are you gonna put WATER GUNS in the ride!?"
[Holly:] "Jo's Tunnels of Love are plenty wet as it is and I doubt YOU would know how to aim anyway."
[Billy:] "My girlfriend says the same thing."
[Holly:] "So in order...*Holly gasps* Did you just say that YOU have a girlfriend?"
[Billy:] "Yeah but she doesn't know it."
[Holly:] "Riiight. Now, as I was saying before you went mental on me, we aim to simulate the full Jo Ryder experience and that means we have to ensure that the ride accommodates her current status. Since she's taken some time away from wrestling, we've done our very best to REFLECT the changes in her body."
[Billy:] "Guh?"
[Holly:] "She's a fattie now. But that's a GOOD thing. You know why?"
[Billy:] "Fuh?"
[Holly:] "We created a brand new engineering technology called "Cushion 4 the Pushin" V 1.0."
[Billy:] "Wait, didn't that ride already get new stuff?"
[Holly:] "Well put, Gomer. Since this ride is our marquis attraction, we have put a lot of time and money into R&D and in past years even created the "DVDA" system of access for it. But you see, that just wasn't enough to keep up with the accelerating stream of visitors into her. So with that said and the aforementioned changes in her body, we created the "Cushion" system."
*Holly walks around the ride pointing at various areas around the outside of the attraction*
[Holly:] "Guests no longer need to go INSIDE Jo's tunnels in order to enjoy them! While the best fun is still experienced by riding her entryways, you can now choose another path of enjoyment: one without standing in line!! Since we have added a lot more "mass" to the outside walls, guests can simply elect to 'get lost' in her sagging flesh rolls!! This is a technique that many businessman have been forced to learn after coming late to a board meeting to find that all the 'best spots' for Jo's 'attention' have been taken."
[Billy:] "I think I'm gonna be sick-"
[Holly:] "YES!! Another customer satisfied with the new Jo experience! Remember Timmy, not only are you gonna be sick, but you'll be sick with a bunch of people enjoying Jo at the same time as you! It's like Team Ryder on an even bigger scale then even SHE imagined!"
[Billy:] "..."
[Holly:] "But SPEAKING of Team Ryder, I have some bad news. An old favorite in Orochi-O's Land has had to be retired due to a recent...malfunction. *Holly feigns sadness but then a smirk appears*
[Holly:] "In fact, this attraction was one of the first ones ever introduced in Orochi-O's Land: The "Dizzy-Go-Stop" has finally stopped FOREVER."
*Holly walks over to the "Dizzy-Go-Stop" and we see an absolutely mangled hunk of plastic and metal. Some workers are looking at it with much sadness and pity*
[Billy:] "NOOO!!"
[Holly:] "Oh I feel your pain, Billy, almost as much as poor Diane Cavuto does.
*Holly puts on her best sympathetic expression and focuses on a different part of the screen then where she was looking at Billy*
[Holly:] "Hey Diz - how's the spine, hun?"
[Billy:] "Did you just call me-"
[Holly:] "No you fool, uh customer, invited customer!"
[Billy:] "YEAH!"
[Holly:] "Unfortunately, the "Dizzy-Go-Stop" was involved in a freak and violent accident when it could not handle being ridden by one of our larger, international visitors: A female of German origin named Miss Krieger, I believe. She got SO into the ride that she actually managed to crack the whole apparatus down its center. I've never seen anything like it before, really. Everyone was mortified but I suppose the ride just wasn't built as strong or with as much HEART as we thought, now was it? OR maybe, just maybe, one of the rides contracted caretakers got distracted and shirked in their duties of protecting it?"
*Holly takes a look at a staff clipboard and points to a name*
[Holly:] "A Miss Felicia Bordon was in charge of security for this ride. WOW, she really dropped the ball!!"
*Holly takes a break from her schpiel to laugh hysterically. A confused Billy laughs too.*
[Holly:] "Hush! Only I can laugh!"
[Billy:] "No fair!"
[Holly:] "Oh but you'll have plenty to SMILE about, and likely wank to, as I continue to show you the NEW rides this year! In fact, taking the place of Dizzy is a new ride we're working on. However, since it's still in its finishing stages we can't show it just yet. But we CAN tell you the name of it."
[Billy:] "...."
[Holly:] "This is your turn to say: "What is it called?"
[Billy:] "I don't know what it's called, you're supposed to tell me."
*Holly frowns and shakes her head in disgust*
[Holly:] "The name of our new ride is "Jenny McLanahan's Red Ring of Death"
[Billy:] "COOL!!!!!! DEATH IS HOT!"
[Holly:] "Not as hot as that Xbox 360 you have balanced on your furnace, kid."
[Billy:] "I have all the hottest games for it!"
[Holly:] "Well then I'm SURE you'll appreciate the excitement of loading a hawt new game from GameStart into your 360 only to watch the intro and then have the whole thing crash and explode?!"
[Billy:] "How'd you know?"
[Holly:] "Didn't even have to ask. But the good news is that's pretty much the dynamic we have used in this new "Red Ring of Death". First you get into your vehicle which is basically shaped like Kaori NiGHT...only much smaller in proportions, of course, we only have SO many acres. So you ride on the back of Kaori..."
[Billy:] "Kinda like Kaori is CARRYING you?"
[Holly:] "YES!! YES!!! Very good!! Kaori is totally carrying you like your name is one Jennifer Trace McLanahan!! The ride starts and the Kaori-mobile starts lifting up a bit. You get all hopeful, thinking that this is gonna be the BEST ride of your life and that you're gonna MAKE it!! And by "make it", I mean grab one of the Championship belts hanging from the top. But as you continue your slow rise to the top, suddenly, a giant red ring appears in the center of the ride and Kaori stops. You try to make one last grab for the title but you can't do it...you simply don't have the ABILITY to do so."
[Billy:] "Awwwe..."
[Holly:] "Oh don't worry kid, it's not ALL embarrassment and public humiliation. This journey of self-delusion and defeat DOES come with a trendy, if not, vacant consolation prize!"
*Holly is handed something from off screen and holds it up to the camera*
[Holly:] "Everyone that rides Jenny's "Red Ring of Death" walks away with a free gift. In fact, we even have a staff member, dressed as none other then LAWL figurehead Gloria Reyes, hand you a "replica" of the LAWL OMG Title!! Because TRYING and failin, to win a REAL belt like the OG-Joshi World Title makes LAWL love you so much that they give you a piece of shit door prize!! Congrats, you're a "champ" now! Like Jenny!"
[Billy:] "JEN-NY! JEN-NY!"
[Holly:] "Be careful though not to let "Gloria" touch you. We aimed for authenticity here and pretty much invited anyone off the streets to play her part. So avoid skin on skin contact whenever possible and also be sure to "thank" Grace for giving you the OMG Title."
[Billy:] "I thought you said Glor-"
[Holly:] "Oh please, like anyone CARES which Reyes is which?"
[Billy:] "I like potatoes."
[Holly:] "Ok great. Now, we've been talking a LOT about women's wrestling...and LAWL, so how about we switch gears a bit to the testosterone side. You know what that is, Billy?"
[Billy:] "That's my special area."
[Holly:] "Right. So Geese made me promise that I wouldn't make any more rides based on him cause they, *Makes quotey fingers* "can't convey the chaos that he has ravaged the world with". Yeah, I know, cheesy as hell but he gets shit done so what can you really say to him? Gotta love the guy!"
[Billy:] "Eeew, you love people!"
[Holly:] "YES! I do. Cause I'm capable of maturity and intelligence you'll never know!! YEA! Now, even though Geese won't allow any more rides based on him, there IS one new male member of the Orochi Army that I created a new ride about. Someone I do love very much, my own brother Kyle Walker."
[Billy:] "JUSTICE KAI ZOMG!"
[Holly:] "I'm not sure what you just said but I'll take it as a compliment. So, Kyle has been meteorically rising throughout the ranks of professional wrestling and its time that Orochi-O's Land recognizes that. However, he's not been the only young talent that has been successful, so has UBL young lion Jason Hyde."
[Billy:] "JASON HYDE ZOMG!"
[Holly:] "Since both men are at similar points in their young careers, I thought it might be fun to have an attraction that attempts to track their respective progress. I call it the "Escalators of the Future."
[Billy:] "In the future we'll have ROCKETSHIP PANTS!"
*We walk over to where we see two HUGE escalators, each one easily 50 feet high*
[Holly:] "With BOTH Jason and Kyle in the UBL now, their careers are much closer then ever before so the escalators are right next to each other. Guests get their choice of which escalator to experience as they attempt to ascend to UBL legendary status."
*We see Holly taking the escalator marked "Kyle" and some random worker on the "Jason" one.*
[Holly:] "As Kyle's career continues towards VISIBLE success, Jason's career encounters a problem."
*While The track for Kyle's escalator is shown to lead to a gift shop, Jason's escalator slows down.*
[Holly:] "And that's cause my bro is MONEY. He's athletic, talented, smart, and he doesn't have the hubris...look it up, Billy.... to piss off the WRONG people like Jason has."
*A pendulum with a picture of Geese suddenly swings down from out of nowhere and hits the worker on the back of the neck, causing him to plummet down screaming while Holly smirks*
[Holly:] "Yeah...so I lied about no Geese involvement. The fact is, you can NEVER stop him after you piss him off the way Jason has in the past. But the good news for the park visitor is that the fall here isn't fatal, there are pads down below. I can't say the same about Jason's career though."
*Holly smiles as her escalator gets off at a small platform with the gift shop*
[Holly:] "And of course, Kyle's leads here to success, money, and fame. But Billy, if you don't buy stuff here, we'll tell your parents why you seem to go through more socks in one week then you used to."
[Billy:] "NO!"
[Holly:] "Now that I got your attention back, we just have two final attractions to introduce. First is the "Mix'n'Match." This isn't really as much a ride as it is a carny type game.
*Holly seems to have hit a nerve as Billy starts crying*
[Billy:] "THAT WORD IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HURTFUL TO CARNIVAL FOLK!"
[Holly:] "Wonderful. Then I'm sure you'll enjoy the game! Let's go over and check it out."
*We see two "tables". One is blue, the other is red, and they are both lined with gold. We also see cardboard cutouts on each side. On the blue side, we see a short, thin, emotionless Japanese man. On the red side, we see a very muscular looking blond woman with a scowl on her face.*
[Holly:] "This is a simulation of the "competition" between UBL and OG-Joshi! Here you get to play either Rear Admiral Yoshida or Mess Hall Celes. You get these little "toys"... *In her right hand, she holds up a toy that looks like OG-Joshi's Kat Black and in her left hand she hold up a toy that looks like UBL's Mr. Clyde*
[Holly:] "And you try to figure out a way to arrange your toys on your board to form a show. As you see, each board has two subdivisions as you increasingly try to confuse your audience by splitting up your little promotions in ways that are as counter-intuitive and as incomprehensible as possible. Bonus points if you play as Celes and try to stack one side of your board to make things unfair for the champion. But really, the aim here is to try to field an entertaining roster for your shows. The reward is that EVERY guest can walk away knowing they did a much better job then either Drake or Celes, who apparently spent their childhoods licking paint rather then learning how to do even the simplest of organizational feats."
*Holly rolls her eyes and then kicks both of the cardboard cutouts*
[Billy:] "Wow, I didn't understand ANY of that!"
[Holly:] "And yet you'll still make more sense of the UBL board then Drake did with his Battalion mess."
[Billy:] "I made a mess in my pants before watching those bikini girls!"
[Holly:] "And with that, let's get to the final ride."
*Holly walks out of the park*
[Billy:] "Wait, you're done? I thought you said the final-"
[Holly:] "Oh I did. This IS the final ride. Or, I should say, the area for it. THIS is the ride-"
*Holly points to and then enters a boring looking car*
[Holly:] "I call this the "Visper Car." On this attraction, you resume the role of General Celes. This ride is the FINAL thing you ever do in this park. It's not really much, is it? Just...a car. It's like we haven't even TRIED to entertain you, much like General Celes hasn't even TRIED to pose a challenge to my title reign. She was all: "Ok, I'm out of shitty contenders, let's just throw Visper at Holly." And just as Visper will fail and Celes will be so humiliated that she has to leave OG-Joshi, so will you be so bored with the Visper Car that you decide that your day at Orochi-O's Land is over....cause we're tired of having you here."
[Billy:] "Ohhhhh"
[Holly:] "If by some chance you find yourself speeding in the 'Visper Car', the 'Visper Car-COPS' will pull you over and kick you in the face with a left high kick. Luckily, it won't do any real damage other then expose your eyes to their flabby thighs. And since this isn't Kaori NiGHT we're talking about, you SHOULD be ok."
[Billy:] "So uh, is that it? No more rides?"
[Holly:] "We still have everything else that I talked about the last few years! The Patty Sirloin Buckin Bronco!! The "Fishboy storytime hour", more Goose costumed characters then you can shake their di...a stick at. MOUNDS of Orochi-O's ICE CREAM flavored cereal. Uh, a pasteurization plant."
[Billy:] "WOW!"
*Holly's expression becomes very serious*
[Holly:] "And finally...one disclaimer. If you misbehave in our park, you'll end up like all those that have gotten in the way of Geese and I. You will be broken, battered, and destroyed.
*Holly's expression suddenly turns all bright and smiley again*
[Holly:] "Have a great summer at Orochi-O's Land! Kids tickets are only $5 more then grown-ups!"
[Billy:] "WHAT A DEAL! MAAAAAAM, I WANT TO GO TO OROCHI-O'S LAND AGAIN!"
*Holly smirks and the commercial ends*
[Billy:] "WHOA! I went back in time!"
*A female voice is heard*
[Voice:] "No you didn't, you buffoon. This is part of the commercial!"
[Billy:] "Then I went to the future where the tv TALKS to me! Cool!"
*A groan is heard from the tv as OG-Joshi World Champion Holly steps into view wearing Orochi-O's Business attire: springwear edition. She rolls her eyes at Billy*
[Holly:] "This is the fourth year we've been doing this and you STILL don't remember!? *Holly looks at his hands and recoils* And what the hell are you doing with those disgusting snacks!? You're greasy and pizza-faced AS it is!! Throw that junk out and run, don't walk, to the cupboard to get some Orochi-O's!"
[Billy:] "Yes ma'am!"
*Billy does as Holly requests and goes back to his couch*
[Holly:] "Now, do you know why I'm here?"
[Billy:] "Cause my Health teacher said its natural to touch myself."
[Holly:] "Ahh, you've hit puberty full-stride, haven't you? Well then you'll want to pay attention to THIS-"
*The screen changes from Holly to a bunch of bikini-clad girls engaging in water
[Holly:] "Yeah, that's right Timmy-"
*Billy is too obsessed with the images to correct her so she shrugs*
[Holly:] "What you are seeing is just PART of the new experience we have for you in...
*Big letters come onto the screen saying: Orochi-O's Land*
[Billy:] "COOL!!! IT'S BACK!!"
[Holly:] "That it is. And you better believe that this year's attractions are the best ones EVER!"
[Billy:] "You mean I never have to TRY to have fun again! You'll do it all for me!?"
[Holly:] "Everything but put your hands down your pants!"
[Billy:] "WOW!"
[Holly:] "So let's get started, we have a lot to cover. In fact, this isn't just a commercial, it's an INFOMERCIAL." *Holly snaps her fingers and a small 30 minute clock appears on the screen*
[Billy:] "YEA! EDUTAINMENT!! Informicize me!"
[Holly:] "Uh, yeah!"
*Holly rolls her eyes again and walks over to a monstrosity of a building.*
[Holly:] "Let's start with an old favorite, specifically: THE most popular ride in Orochi-O's for the past three years, Jo Ryder's "Tunnels of Love". This ride has accommodated enough people to fill a large cuntry."
[Billy:] "Something sounded different about the way you said "country!"
[Holly:] "Indeed! Now, we here at Orochi-O's aren't content to rest on our laurels. Some companies take a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" strategy but we INNOVATE. We strive to make the best even BETTER."
[Billy:] "Are you gonna put WATER GUNS in the ride!?"
[Holly:] "Jo's Tunnels of Love are plenty wet as it is and I doubt YOU would know how to aim anyway."
[Billy:] "My girlfriend says the same thing."
[Holly:] "So in order...*Holly gasps* Did you just say that YOU have a girlfriend?"
[Billy:] "Yeah but she doesn't know it."
[Holly:] "Riiight. Now, as I was saying before you went mental on me, we aim to simulate the full Jo Ryder experience and that means we have to ensure that the ride accommodates her current status. Since she's taken some time away from wrestling, we've done our very best to REFLECT the changes in her body."
[Billy:] "Guh?"
[Holly:] "She's a fattie now. But that's a GOOD thing. You know why?"
[Billy:] "Fuh?"
[Holly:] "We created a brand new engineering technology called "Cushion 4 the Pushin" V 1.0."
[Billy:] "Wait, didn't that ride already get new stuff?"
[Holly:] "Well put, Gomer. Since this ride is our marquis attraction, we have put a lot of time and money into R&D and in past years even created the "DVDA" system of access for it. But you see, that just wasn't enough to keep up with the accelerating stream of visitors into her. So with that said and the aforementioned changes in her body, we created the "Cushion" system."
*Holly walks around the ride pointing at various areas around the outside of the attraction*
[Holly:] "Guests no longer need to go INSIDE Jo's tunnels in order to enjoy them! While the best fun is still experienced by riding her entryways, you can now choose another path of enjoyment: one without standing in line!! Since we have added a lot more "mass" to the outside walls, guests can simply elect to 'get lost' in her sagging flesh rolls!! This is a technique that many businessman have been forced to learn after coming late to a board meeting to find that all the 'best spots' for Jo's 'attention' have been taken."
[Billy:] "I think I'm gonna be sick-"
[Holly:] "YES!! Another customer satisfied with the new Jo experience! Remember Timmy, not only are you gonna be sick, but you'll be sick with a bunch of people enjoying Jo at the same time as you! It's like Team Ryder on an even bigger scale then even SHE imagined!"
[Billy:] "..."
[Holly:] "But SPEAKING of Team Ryder, I have some bad news. An old favorite in Orochi-O's Land has had to be retired due to a recent...malfunction. *Holly feigns sadness but then a smirk appears*
[Holly:] "In fact, this attraction was one of the first ones ever introduced in Orochi-O's Land: The "Dizzy-Go-Stop" has finally stopped FOREVER."
*Holly walks over to the "Dizzy-Go-Stop" and we see an absolutely mangled hunk of plastic and metal. Some workers are looking at it with much sadness and pity*
[Billy:] "NOOO!!"
[Holly:] "Oh I feel your pain, Billy, almost as much as poor Diane Cavuto does.
*Holly puts on her best sympathetic expression and focuses on a different part of the screen then where she was looking at Billy*
[Holly:] "Hey Diz - how's the spine, hun?"
[Billy:] "Did you just call me-"
[Holly:] "No you fool, uh customer, invited customer!"
[Billy:] "YEAH!"
[Holly:] "Unfortunately, the "Dizzy-Go-Stop" was involved in a freak and violent accident when it could not handle being ridden by one of our larger, international visitors: A female of German origin named Miss Krieger, I believe. She got SO into the ride that she actually managed to crack the whole apparatus down its center. I've never seen anything like it before, really. Everyone was mortified but I suppose the ride just wasn't built as strong or with as much HEART as we thought, now was it? OR maybe, just maybe, one of the rides contracted caretakers got distracted and shirked in their duties of protecting it?"
*Holly takes a look at a staff clipboard and points to a name*
[Holly:] "A Miss Felicia Bordon was in charge of security for this ride. WOW, she really dropped the ball!!"
*Holly takes a break from her schpiel to laugh hysterically. A confused Billy laughs too.*
[Holly:] "Hush! Only I can laugh!"
[Billy:] "No fair!"
[Holly:] "Oh but you'll have plenty to SMILE about, and likely wank to, as I continue to show you the NEW rides this year! In fact, taking the place of Dizzy is a new ride we're working on. However, since it's still in its finishing stages we can't show it just yet. But we CAN tell you the name of it."
[Billy:] "...."
[Holly:] "This is your turn to say: "What is it called?"
[Billy:] "I don't know what it's called, you're supposed to tell me."
*Holly frowns and shakes her head in disgust*
[Holly:] "The name of our new ride is "Jenny McLanahan's Red Ring of Death"
[Billy:] "COOL!!!!!! DEATH IS HOT!"
[Holly:] "Not as hot as that Xbox 360 you have balanced on your furnace, kid."
[Billy:] "I have all the hottest games for it!"
[Holly:] "Well then I'm SURE you'll appreciate the excitement of loading a hawt new game from GameStart into your 360 only to watch the intro and then have the whole thing crash and explode?!"
[Billy:] "How'd you know?"
[Holly:] "Didn't even have to ask. But the good news is that's pretty much the dynamic we have used in this new "Red Ring of Death". First you get into your vehicle which is basically shaped like Kaori NiGHT...only much smaller in proportions, of course, we only have SO many acres. So you ride on the back of Kaori..."
[Billy:] "Kinda like Kaori is CARRYING you?"
[Holly:] "YES!! YES!!! Very good!! Kaori is totally carrying you like your name is one Jennifer Trace McLanahan!! The ride starts and the Kaori-mobile starts lifting up a bit. You get all hopeful, thinking that this is gonna be the BEST ride of your life and that you're gonna MAKE it!! And by "make it", I mean grab one of the Championship belts hanging from the top. But as you continue your slow rise to the top, suddenly, a giant red ring appears in the center of the ride and Kaori stops. You try to make one last grab for the title but you can't do it...you simply don't have the ABILITY to do so."
[Billy:] "Awwwe..."
[Holly:] "Oh don't worry kid, it's not ALL embarrassment and public humiliation. This journey of self-delusion and defeat DOES come with a trendy, if not, vacant consolation prize!"
*Holly is handed something from off screen and holds it up to the camera*
[Holly:] "Everyone that rides Jenny's "Red Ring of Death" walks away with a free gift. In fact, we even have a staff member, dressed as none other then LAWL figurehead Gloria Reyes, hand you a "replica" of the LAWL OMG Title!! Because TRYING and failin, to win a REAL belt like the OG-Joshi World Title makes LAWL love you so much that they give you a piece of shit door prize!! Congrats, you're a "champ" now! Like Jenny!"
[Billy:] "JEN-NY! JEN-NY!"
[Holly:] "Be careful though not to let "Gloria" touch you. We aimed for authenticity here and pretty much invited anyone off the streets to play her part. So avoid skin on skin contact whenever possible and also be sure to "thank" Grace for giving you the OMG Title."
[Billy:] "I thought you said Glor-"
[Holly:] "Oh please, like anyone CARES which Reyes is which?"
[Billy:] "I like potatoes."
[Holly:] "Ok great. Now, we've been talking a LOT about women's wrestling...and LAWL, so how about we switch gears a bit to the testosterone side. You know what that is, Billy?"
[Billy:] "That's my special area."
[Holly:] "Right. So Geese made me promise that I wouldn't make any more rides based on him cause they, *Makes quotey fingers* "can't convey the chaos that he has ravaged the world with". Yeah, I know, cheesy as hell but he gets shit done so what can you really say to him? Gotta love the guy!"
[Billy:] "Eeew, you love people!"
[Holly:] "YES! I do. Cause I'm capable of maturity and intelligence you'll never know!! YEA! Now, even though Geese won't allow any more rides based on him, there IS one new male member of the Orochi Army that I created a new ride about. Someone I do love very much, my own brother Kyle Walker."
[Billy:] "JUSTICE KAI ZOMG!"
[Holly:] "I'm not sure what you just said but I'll take it as a compliment. So, Kyle has been meteorically rising throughout the ranks of professional wrestling and its time that Orochi-O's Land recognizes that. However, he's not been the only young talent that has been successful, so has UBL young lion Jason Hyde."
[Billy:] "JASON HYDE ZOMG!"
[Holly:] "Since both men are at similar points in their young careers, I thought it might be fun to have an attraction that attempts to track their respective progress. I call it the "Escalators of the Future."
[Billy:] "In the future we'll have ROCKETSHIP PANTS!"
*We walk over to where we see two HUGE escalators, each one easily 50 feet high*
[Holly:] "With BOTH Jason and Kyle in the UBL now, their careers are much closer then ever before so the escalators are right next to each other. Guests get their choice of which escalator to experience as they attempt to ascend to UBL legendary status."
*We see Holly taking the escalator marked "Kyle" and some random worker on the "Jason" one.*
[Holly:] "As Kyle's career continues towards VISIBLE success, Jason's career encounters a problem."
*While The track for Kyle's escalator is shown to lead to a gift shop, Jason's escalator slows down.*
[Holly:] "And that's cause my bro is MONEY. He's athletic, talented, smart, and he doesn't have the hubris...look it up, Billy.... to piss off the WRONG people like Jason has."
*A pendulum with a picture of Geese suddenly swings down from out of nowhere and hits the worker on the back of the neck, causing him to plummet down screaming while Holly smirks*
[Holly:] "Yeah...so I lied about no Geese involvement. The fact is, you can NEVER stop him after you piss him off the way Jason has in the past. But the good news for the park visitor is that the fall here isn't fatal, there are pads down below. I can't say the same about Jason's career though."
*Holly smiles as her escalator gets off at a small platform with the gift shop*
[Holly:] "And of course, Kyle's leads here to success, money, and fame. But Billy, if you don't buy stuff here, we'll tell your parents why you seem to go through more socks in one week then you used to."
[Billy:] "NO!"
[Holly:] "Now that I got your attention back, we just have two final attractions to introduce. First is the "Mix'n'Match." This isn't really as much a ride as it is a carny type game.
*Holly seems to have hit a nerve as Billy starts crying*
[Billy:] "THAT WORD IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HURTFUL TO CARNIVAL FOLK!"
[Holly:] "Wonderful. Then I'm sure you'll enjoy the game! Let's go over and check it out."
*We see two "tables". One is blue, the other is red, and they are both lined with gold. We also see cardboard cutouts on each side. On the blue side, we see a short, thin, emotionless Japanese man. On the red side, we see a very muscular looking blond woman with a scowl on her face.*
[Holly:] "This is a simulation of the "competition" between UBL and OG-Joshi! Here you get to play either Rear Admiral Yoshida or Mess Hall Celes. You get these little "toys"... *In her right hand, she holds up a toy that looks like OG-Joshi's Kat Black and in her left hand she hold up a toy that looks like UBL's Mr. Clyde*
[Holly:] "And you try to figure out a way to arrange your toys on your board to form a show. As you see, each board has two subdivisions as you increasingly try to confuse your audience by splitting up your little promotions in ways that are as counter-intuitive and as incomprehensible as possible. Bonus points if you play as Celes and try to stack one side of your board to make things unfair for the champion. But really, the aim here is to try to field an entertaining roster for your shows. The reward is that EVERY guest can walk away knowing they did a much better job then either Drake or Celes, who apparently spent their childhoods licking paint rather then learning how to do even the simplest of organizational feats."
*Holly rolls her eyes and then kicks both of the cardboard cutouts*
[Billy:] "Wow, I didn't understand ANY of that!"
[Holly:] "And yet you'll still make more sense of the UBL board then Drake did with his Battalion mess."
[Billy:] "I made a mess in my pants before watching those bikini girls!"
[Holly:] "And with that, let's get to the final ride."
*Holly walks out of the park*
[Billy:] "Wait, you're done? I thought you said the final-"
[Holly:] "Oh I did. This IS the final ride. Or, I should say, the area for it. THIS is the ride-"
*Holly points to and then enters a boring looking car*
[Holly:] "I call this the "Visper Car." On this attraction, you resume the role of General Celes. This ride is the FINAL thing you ever do in this park. It's not really much, is it? Just...a car. It's like we haven't even TRIED to entertain you, much like General Celes hasn't even TRIED to pose a challenge to my title reign. She was all: "Ok, I'm out of shitty contenders, let's just throw Visper at Holly." And just as Visper will fail and Celes will be so humiliated that she has to leave OG-Joshi, so will you be so bored with the Visper Car that you decide that your day at Orochi-O's Land is over....cause we're tired of having you here."
[Billy:] "Ohhhhh"
[Holly:] "If by some chance you find yourself speeding in the 'Visper Car', the 'Visper Car-COPS' will pull you over and kick you in the face with a left high kick. Luckily, it won't do any real damage other then expose your eyes to their flabby thighs. And since this isn't Kaori NiGHT we're talking about, you SHOULD be ok."
[Billy:] "So uh, is that it? No more rides?"
[Holly:] "We still have everything else that I talked about the last few years! The Patty Sirloin Buckin Bronco!! The "Fishboy storytime hour", more Goose costumed characters then you can shake their di...a stick at. MOUNDS of Orochi-O's ICE CREAM flavored cereal. Uh, a pasteurization plant."
[Billy:] "WOW!"
*Holly's expression becomes very serious*
[Holly:] "And finally...one disclaimer. If you misbehave in our park, you'll end up like all those that have gotten in the way of Geese and I. You will be broken, battered, and destroyed.
*Holly's expression suddenly turns all bright and smiley again*
[Holly:] "Have a great summer at Orochi-O's Land! Kids tickets are only $5 more then grown-ups!"
[Billy:] "WHAT A DEAL! MAAAAAAM, I WANT TO GO TO OROCHI-O'S LAND AGAIN!"
*Holly smirks and the commercial ends*