Nothing starts off the summer like...

[OrochiGeese]

Yeah, it's BACK!


*It is the week preceding Memorial Day weekend and lil Billy (age 12) is watching television late one night. Probably scrambled porn but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say Inuyasha...nah, better make it scrambled porn for his sake. As he's trying to figure out what to do with himself, suddenly the scrambles are interrupted and we see none other then OG-Joshi World Champion Holly!*


Holly: "JIMMY! I thought I told you last year to stop touching yourself!"

Jimmy: "AHH!! How...how can you see me!?"

Holly: "I can't...Luckily! But I just assumed the worst! That's my job as a marketing director!"

Jimmy: "A market who's awhats?"

Holly: "Listen kid, let's get this over with."

*Holly snaps and the scene on the tv changes to an amusement park*

Jimmy: "KEWL!! Orochi-O's Land is back!!"

Holly: "YES! Come one, come all, as Orochi-O's Land will be officially reopening this Memorial Day weekend for the summer of 2007! And it's gonna be HOT! Know why?"

Jimmy: "Cause of boobies!"

Holly: "No!! Cause Orochi-O's Land will not just be bringing back all the old attractions of the last two years, but we'll be introducing new ones! We gotta keep up to speed with short attention spans such as yours!"

Jimmy: "What is this about again!?"

Holly: "Don't worry! Just bring money!"

Jimmy: "OKAY!"

*Holly begins walking as we see the first ride in view. From the outside its appears to be a circular building that is spinning very fast with music blasting from it.*

Jimmy: "WOW! What's THAT!?"

Holly: "It's the Chaotitron 2000!"

Jimmy: "What does it do!?"

Holly: "Using the centrifugal force, it holds everyone suspended-"

Jimmy: "Shhh! I got suspended from school today, don't tell my parents!"

Holly: "Shhh! Bring money and I'll promise not to tell!"

Jimmy: "YEA!"

Holly: "The Chaotitron spins guests around while "sticking" them to the walls! Ever been to space?"

Jimmy: "Yes, once..."

Holly: "So then you know...*Holly does a double-take* wait, huh? YOU went to space?"

Jimmy: "Where?"

*Holly sighs and continues her shpiel*

Holly: "While the chaotitron is spinning, "Seized with Fury" is BLASTED while a voiceover of OrochiGeese shouting "Chaos" is looped! This is the closest LEGAL thing we could do to simulate being in the ring...or the office...with OrochiGeese!! If you don't stumble out of the ride feeling sick and with a headache, then we'll let you cut the line to go right back on it til you hurl! Janitor Goose LOVES picking up excretions of all kind!"

Jimmy: "AWESOME!"

*Holly walks over to the next attraction which appears to be a type of "meet and greet". There is an old, flabby blonde woman in workout pants sitting on a chair making mean faces at kids.*

Holly: "This is the 'Alicia Gordon MEANYPANTS CHALLENGE." As you see, we found someone that very closely resembles the "beautiful and talented' *Holly rolls her eyes* Alicia Gordon!"

Jimmy: "What's the challenge!?"

Holly: "Well.....IF it's to make Alicia seem remotely interesting... then General Celes and LAWL have totally failed! But we won't shoulder the Orochi-O's Land guests with THAT impossible burden."

*Jimmy breathes a sigh of relief and Holly smirks*

Holly: "RATHER...what you have to do is sit right in front of 'Alicia' and trade MENACING faces with her! You see, she's perpetually angry or vengeful or something...I don't really pay attention as to WHY anymore, cause the girl bores me. But what you have to do is make a meanie face SO mean that she runs right back to sunny california and NEVER returns to OG-Joshi again...sending our ratings through the roof!"

Jimmy: "I can make a real meany face!! See!"

*Jimmy sticks his tongue out in a pathetic display of "meanyfaceness"*

Holly: "Hey go easy on that tongue, your tramp girlfriend will need that in a few years."

Jimmy: "What for?"

Holly: "Moving right along. Our next attraction is the "CROSS-Country bumper cars!"

Jimmy: "YEAAAAAAA!!!! I LOVE BUMPER CARS! ZOOM! ZOOM!"

Holly: "Themed after the favorite wrestler of Mr. Figaro, Kim Cross, riders strap themselves in to the cars. Rather then ride in one crowded traditional bumper car "pen area" with close competition, they drive "cross country" to Los Angeles as far away as possible from any real threats. Then, to make sure they don't break a nail, they challenge an over the hill whore who already has her own ride here!! Sound familiar!?"

Jimmy: "Uh...not really?"

Holly: "Also, to get these cars as "physiologically accurate" to Kim Cross as possible, we added two big...one could even say 'enhanced' steering wheels on both the driver and passenger sides of the car. And to finish the look off, an EXTRA large back bumper to get the Kim Cross "full bodied backside" experience!"

*Some grumbling is heard off to the side and Holly looks over with her hands on her waist, smiling.*

Holly: "What's that Mr. Figaro? Of COURSE I'm a fan of Kim! Just like you are! Good luck against Jo Ryder, Kim! I'm pulling for ya...though not as much as Figaro is 'pullin' TO YA!"

*Holly rolls her eyes again*

Holly: "Our next attraction is right over here."

*Holly sits down on a bench and picks up an average looking stone.*

Jimmy: "Uh...that's a rock!! How is THAT an attraction!?"

Holly: "No, it's a STONE, stupid. And this just happens to be one of Geese's favorite new activities!! This is called the "Strike stone" and is meant to represent the WONDERFUL new addition to the UBL roster...Thunder Strike! As you see, its similar in personality to Thunder Strike and also similar in the threat it presents! But best of all, it's just as easily manipulated! Here, let me demonstrate!"

*Holly takes the stone, spits on it, and then tosses it out of the park into a dumpster*

Holly: "Doesn't that look FUN!? Geese has been doing that for the last year and will continue to!"

Jimmy: "Wow!! You guys have EVERYTHING in Orochi-O's Land!"

Holly: "And I'm about to show you the coup de grace of this summer!"

Jimmy: "The chicken coup mardi gras?"

Holly: "Yeah, sure, whatever. This commercial has gone on long enough as it is."

*Holly walks over and we see a Merry-Go-Round."

Jimmy: "Boo! Merry-Go-Rounds are for girls!"

Holly: "In fact, this one happens to be DEDICATED to a little girl named Jennifer Trace McLanahan."

Jimmy: "Who?"

Holly: "*Sighs* Jenny f'n McLanahan. Don't you watch OG-Joshi!?"

Jimmy: "Of course I do! It's right after rollerball!! Do you know when the Cooze is returning!?"

Holly: "No! Now listen up...this ride in front of you is called the Jenny-Go-Round. As you see, it is not capable of any real forward motion, it ONLY goes around in circles...much like the career of Jenny McLanahan. Cause you see, just as it looks like your horse is gonna break free and you're gonna finally grab that brass ring...SMACK! You get thrown right back to reality as you realize you haven't actually GONE anywhere in your career! You'll NEVER win another World Title! And your career is doomed to circle endlessly as your two horse-looking companions try to cheer you up! Hey Kaori, why the long face!?"

*Holly laughs as this is the funniest thing she's ever said. Jimmy starts laughing too but has no idea why.*

Holly: "As you can see, Orochi-O's Land is bigger and better then ever for 2007! So get your parents' money and come down!! Also, if you teenagers are looking for a summer job, we'll offer you double the rate of pay to 'assist' with the Goose 'costumed' characters!"

Jimmy: "Wow! What's double the pay!?"

Holly: "Two fists instead of one..."

Jimmy: "I don't get that."

Holly: "Oh but you WILL get it and quite a lot more if you come down to work and 'play' in Orochi-O's Land!! So we'll see ALL of you this weekend and throughout the summer!! Bye Timmy!"

Jimmy: "JIMMY!"

Holly: "You too!! See ya this weekend...after the OG-Joshi PPV!!"

*The scene fades as we see Mr. Figaro racing to the 'CROSS Country bumper cars" and humping the back bumper as Holly kicks one of the horses on the Jenny-Go-Round and smirks*