Jo Ryde- uh... Holly? "Investment of a lifetime!"
Feb 16, 2007 3:41:03 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Feb 16, 2007 3:41:03 GMT -5
Apologies for blatantly ripping off Penny Arcade. Its a really fun book though...
Scene opens and we see Jo Ryder... uh... yeah, I think it is. She's dressed in a business suit and wearing a really bad blonde wig, with the nametag reading "Hi, my name is Holly!" She goes to the front of a table and begins speaking...
[Jo Ryder as Holly:] Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you all for coming here today! As we're all aware, I am unhappy unless you all CONSTANTLY massage my needs for undivided attention, which I try to attain by ruthlessly mocking my competitors, women who may be my peers such as say... John Romero!
And at the next OG-Joshi pay per view, which I ought to just title "Holly Is The Bestest" but that DAMN General Annoyance keeps me from doing so, and I'm going to waste your time with this because I'm a vindictive little bitch who just WON'T! LET! THINGS! GO! I mean, if I can willingly ride the schlong for MONTHS and somehow blame somebody else for being a whore, DAMMIT, I'm gonna do JUST that!
The business people look slightly awkward at this point...
[Jo Ryder as Holly:] So, to FINALLY get to business as I've already bored you all to tears, I want to offer you the GREATEST INVESTMENT EVER:
My wang.
Nonono! I've been offering my wang privately in the shower stalls of the OG-Joshi locker rooms for MONTHS now, and really - it's time to take this bitch public! My wang's so huge, its letting out PRESS RELEASES!
Jo (as Holly) reaches down, into her pants, and pulls out a... OMG PRESS RELEASE?!?!
[Jo (as Holly):] Why, in a statement released by my wang it is to be known as "Massive," "Sturdy" and "Fearsome!" - I'm talking to you ladies.
A lot of you may be concerned about this, but let me assure you, my wang has MASSIVE growth potential! And I'm not just saying that because I'm frustrated and angry over the return of my arch-nemesis Jo Ryder, a woman who constantly one-ups me by just EXISTING.
If you invest in my wang, you don't just get the wang, you get access to 24/7 INFORMATION ABOUT MY WANG CONSTANTLY! You can download streaming information about my wang to your PDA, so at ANY MOMENT you can find sports scores, porn, and - yes - MY WANG!
Hey, wait! Where are you all going?
The people are leaving. Naturally. Jo smirks into the camera and pulls off her wig.
[Jo Ryder:] Holly... you know what's sad? Your wang wouldn't even make it to an Initial Pubic Offering.
And not only did I mock your wang ruthlessly, but I'm going to beat you at the next OG-Joshi pay per view. If I walk out with Haley's Championship, that's just icing on the cake.
Jo walks away from this incoherent promo.
Scene opens and we see Jo Ryder... uh... yeah, I think it is. She's dressed in a business suit and wearing a really bad blonde wig, with the nametag reading "Hi, my name is Holly!" She goes to the front of a table and begins speaking...
[Jo Ryder as Holly:] Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you all for coming here today! As we're all aware, I am unhappy unless you all CONSTANTLY massage my needs for undivided attention, which I try to attain by ruthlessly mocking my competitors, women who may be my peers such as say... John Romero!
And at the next OG-Joshi pay per view, which I ought to just title "Holly Is The Bestest" but that DAMN General Annoyance keeps me from doing so, and I'm going to waste your time with this because I'm a vindictive little bitch who just WON'T! LET! THINGS! GO! I mean, if I can willingly ride the schlong for MONTHS and somehow blame somebody else for being a whore, DAMMIT, I'm gonna do JUST that!
The business people look slightly awkward at this point...
[Jo Ryder as Holly:] So, to FINALLY get to business as I've already bored you all to tears, I want to offer you the GREATEST INVESTMENT EVER:
My wang.
Nonono! I've been offering my wang privately in the shower stalls of the OG-Joshi locker rooms for MONTHS now, and really - it's time to take this bitch public! My wang's so huge, its letting out PRESS RELEASES!
Jo (as Holly) reaches down, into her pants, and pulls out a... OMG PRESS RELEASE?!?!
[Jo (as Holly):] Why, in a statement released by my wang it is to be known as "Massive," "Sturdy" and "Fearsome!" - I'm talking to you ladies.
A lot of you may be concerned about this, but let me assure you, my wang has MASSIVE growth potential! And I'm not just saying that because I'm frustrated and angry over the return of my arch-nemesis Jo Ryder, a woman who constantly one-ups me by just EXISTING.
If you invest in my wang, you don't just get the wang, you get access to 24/7 INFORMATION ABOUT MY WANG CONSTANTLY! You can download streaming information about my wang to your PDA, so at ANY MOMENT you can find sports scores, porn, and - yes - MY WANG!
Hey, wait! Where are you all going?
The people are leaving. Naturally. Jo smirks into the camera and pulls off her wig.
[Jo Ryder:] Holly... you know what's sad? Your wang wouldn't even make it to an Initial Pubic Offering.
And not only did I mock your wang ruthlessly, but I'm going to beat you at the next OG-Joshi pay per view. If I walk out with Haley's Championship, that's just icing on the cake.
Jo walks away from this incoherent promo.