Holly: A YEAR IN THE RE-MAKING!
Feb 16, 2007 3:12:20 GMT -5
Post by OrochiGeese on Feb 16, 2007 3:12:20 GMT -5
5/29/06
*It is Memorial Day weekend as random kid Jimmy is lounging and watching tv. His cartoon program is temporarily halted to make room for advertisements*
Jimmy: "Yea! Time to learn which everyday products have just been made "xtreme" for kids! C'mon dry wall..."
*Unfortunately for naive Jimmy (and lucky for the rest of us), no such commercial takes place. Rather, a scene opens at a beach and we see the calm ocean waves*
Jimmy: "Boring!"
*Suddenly we see an image of various girls in bikinis. Jimmy perks up*
Jimmy: "b00bies!"
*The scene switches back to the ocean waves and Jimmy sighs. Suddenly, a female voice enters the fray*
Voice: "BORED SILLY!?"
Jimmy: "Yeah!"
Voice: "Already?! The summer fun season just STARTED this weekend!"
Jimmy: "I know, but...wait...who's talking to me?"
*The camera pans to reveal Holly wearing her Orochi-O's Marketing VP gear*
Jimmy: "You're Holly...from Churrochi-O's!"
Holly: "That's Orochi-O's...stupid kid..."
Jimmy: "Hey...didn't you harrass me through the TV like this LAST summer!?
Holly: "Yeah! So you should know what I'm here to talk to you about!"
Jimmy: "Not touching myself?"
Holly: "..."
Jimmy: "?"
Holly: "No, you perv!! I'm talking about the GRAND RE-OPENING of OROCHI-O's LAND for Summer 2006!"
Jimmy: "COOL!"
Holly: "Yeah! Let's go there right now!"
*Holly walks to the right but the camera doesn't follow her. When she walks off screen, the entire scene changes to Orochi-O's Land! Two seconds later, we see Holly walking from the left of the screen...as if she somehow magically walked right here from the beach!*
Jimmy: "COOL!"
Holly: "If you're easily amused by THAT parlor trick, then you'll love ALL the hot shenanigans that Orochi-O's Land intends to serve you full of this summer until you burst from fun...and corn dogs!!"
*Holly walks into Orochi-O's Land which has a sign on it saying "Grand Re-opening: June 2006"*
Holly: "Since this is a whole new year, and the wrestling world has changed a bit, we decided to update Orochi-O's Land!"
Jimmy: "Good, cause I have a short attention span anyway!"
Holly: "So rather then re-familiarize you with those attractions from last year which will still be around this summer, I will now be concentrating on unveiling our NEW projects!"
Jimmy: "Can I ride the Playstation 3 at Orochi-O's Land?"
Holly: "Uh...we're working on that. If you can't ride it, we're pretty sure you'll be able to chew it or use it to dry yourself off with after our exciting water rides!"
Jimmy: "Like!?"
*Holly walks up to a body of water with a lot of rubber tubes floating in it*
Holly: "Like the "Lazy Goosey" river rafting adventure! Take a leisurely float down a slow moving "river"...made of water...100% PURE water of course, no Goose excretions or anything! The best part of the ride is that it comes with a FREE collectors t-shirt that says "I got f'n drenched while riding the Goose!"
Jimmy: "AWESOME!"
Holly: "No child under 8 is allowed on the ride or given a shirt."
Jimmy: "Dang.."
Holly: "Chin up kid! For we have a SECOND water ride that is more "universally age appropriate."
Jimmy: "Guh?"
Holly: "You can ride it."
Jimmy: "Yea!"
*Holly walks a few yards away and points to yet another water-based attraction. This one involves a small purple and black colored boat going up a river between two banks.*
Holly: "I present to you the "Kat Black De-Nile River Adventure!" Don a "mask of mystery" and jettison up the river as you watch someone who you TOTALLY don't know *winks* attack a cardboard cut out of OG-Joshi mega-bore, Azumi Oonishi! The best part is that you can just sit back and enjoy the attack and do NOTHING besides watching through your mystery mask!! And no one can punish you cause you had *makes quote fingers signs* TOTALLY nothing to do with it, right Kat?! *Winks again* Best of all, you get to act like one of my new bestest friends, the very talented and schemi...uhh intelligent, Kat Black!"
Jimmy: "She's a cat! Cat's wrestle dogs in cartoons!!"
Holly: "You're an idiot! But that won't stop me from taking your mone..um, allowing you into the parks!"
Jimmy: "Thanks!"
Holly: "Along with rides, we also have..."
Jimmy: "Talk about more rides!"
Holly: "Ahh, an enthusiastic fan of thrill rides! Then you'll be first on line for the new "Blitzkrieger" It's a high intensity rollercoaster designed to simulate life as Juli Krieger! While the ENTIRE ride is fun, the best part is the exciting conclusion! The "Blitzkrieger" finishes its run by absolutely smashing and obliterating its way through a cardboard cut out of Alicia Gordon!! Just like real life!"
Jimmy: "Yea!"
Holly: "Although I think the cardboard cutouts we ordered have more personality then Alicia!"
Jimmy: "Burn!"
Holly: "Once you step off the coaster, you can watch as a janitor picks up the broken pieces of Alicia's caree...um, cardboard sign and then signs it for you! A real janitor autograph!"
Jimmy: "That's gotta be worth SOMETHING on eBay!"
Holly: "Yeah! Gazillions!! And there's more!"
*Holly walks over to an area with two very large structures. One is green and the other is red.*
Holly: "Our next attraction is an improvement of the ole "rock'em, sock'em robots" game! It's a giant sized version that represents OG-Joshi's yawntastic match at Evo.R! That's right...now you'll get to control the two OG-Joshi robots, Dizzy and Kaori NiGHT!! Each robot will be controlled by a park visitor! And then you can use your robot's special "skills" to beat the other one! See Dizzy's special deafening "Help! Holly broke my leg!" squeal as it faces off against Kaori's "Thighs absorbed one to many midNiGHTsnackwiches" finisher!"
Jimmy: "I like pizza better then sandwiches!"
Holly: "Kaori LOVES sandwiches...almost as much as Jo Ryder!! Although they enjoy different kinds. Jenny McLanahan makes "tuna sandwiches" for Kaori....whereas Jo likes meat in her sandwiches! Lotsa meat!"
Jimmy: "Like meatballs and salami?"
Holly: "Maybe you're not as dumb as I thought!"
Jimmy: "A+ for Jimmy!"
Holly: "Now that we brought up Jo Ryder...it's time to mention how her "Jo Ryder's Tunnels of Love" ride was the #1 rated attraction of the entire summer of 2005! It even beat out OrochiGeese's "Burning Hammer" roller coaster! Jo Ryder was SO popular throughout and accomodated more people in her love canals then even I thought she could...and I've seen her "get in the zone!"
Jimmy: "Jo's canals were a fun ride..but kinda smelly, slimy, and REALLY crowded."
Holly: "And THAT is why we have done renovations during the off season! "Jo Ryder's Tunnels of Love" will be getting BRAND NEW love canals added to it!! Hopefully this will help her to comfortably accomodate more people while easing the "pressure" in her existing canals!"
Jimmy: "Luckily the entrances weren't too tight, must have been cause of all her guests!"
Holly: "We discovered that theory last year and now call it the "DVDA" principle of attraction techno-engineering! It stands for "Doubling Visitors During Access!" It helped future visitors gain entry easier, but it caused very crowded and awkward situations while riding Jo's canals! But by adding NEW canals to help redirect some traffic, we allow for more guest entry while ensuring less friction!! Physics prevails!"
Jimmy: "I want to explore ALL her new canals!"
Holly: "That's the Jo Ryder spirit!"
Jimmy: "What other rides are there? And how am I still able to talk to my tv?"
Holly: "Easy, you're crazy! But along with rides, we also will be debuting a "meet & greet" with the OG-FPD commentators and NEW FPN Tag Team Champions, Orochi Army! Mr. Clyde and Mr. Figaro will be signing autographs to fans for an hour each day! Hear them discuss their mighty rise to the top of FPN! Catch all the amusing antics of Mr. Figaro as he drives Mr. Clyde over the edge with innuendo that rivals even mine!
Jimmy: "What does in-your-end-o mean?"
Holly: "Great! You got it!"
Jimmy: "?"
*Holly walks over to a building with a large banner of the OG-Joshi World Title wrapped around a globe.*
Holly: "Ahem, our next attraction is perhaps my FAVORITE new addition. It is called the "It's a silly and small World Title Tour"
Jimmy: "Wait...isn't that.."
Holly: "Absolutely not! This new attraction is dedicated to Current OG-Joshi World Champion, Haley Cannon. This indoors boat ride...don't drink the water kids....follows Haley on her previous hyped world tour where she defended her OG-Joshi Title against the likely malnourished children of the world!. The ride is seperated into different geographic areas and we actually see little characters representing many of her past challengers! International jobbers such as "Monique Lachouffe!"
Jimmy: "Is that a type of cough?"
Holly: "Actually, I think Jo Ryder claimed that very condition was responsible for her needing lung surgery despite the obvious evidence of gallons of dried cu..*Holly refocuses* um...don't you worry, kid! All you need to be concerned with is the end of Haley's ride! The part where Haley comes back to America and gets her ass handed to her by the ACE of Joshi Wrestling...me!! That's right...the final portion of the ride shows a Holly figure stuffing a Haley figure into her pants and Muff Driving her all the way back to England!"
Jimmy: "What's a muff?"
Holly: "Ask Jo Ryder. She's the Queen of Professional Muffling after all! But in the meantime, we have one final attraction to show!"
*Holly approaches a simple raised stage area. On top of the stage is a wrestling ring which encloses a device that looks like a mechanical bull...but one painted like...*
Holly: "We now come to the "Patty Sirloin Buckin' Bronco" We wanted to take an all time favorite saloon activity, the mechanical bull, and turn it into a ride for all ages to enjoy!! Best of all, this ride is customizable! There are 5 different settings: Rare, Medium, Well done, Charred, and...Figaro!"
*Just then, we see a line of kids being cut by Mr. Figaro who is sprinting to the ride. The kid at the front of the line protests only to be pushed out of Figaro's path. Figaro then jumps on the "Buckin Bronco", switches to the "Figaro" setting...and um "goes to town!" Numerous children become sick while watching and requests vomit bags. At the conclusion of the ride, Figaro requests a change of pants.*
Holly: "So there you have it! Orochi-O's Land is back BETTER then ever! If these attractions don't make you come rushing to the park with all your legal guardians' money, then you HATE FUN!!"
Jimmy: *in best "Dr. Tran" voice* "But I... LOVE fun!"
Holly: "Then get your ass over to Orochi-O's Land, fun-hater! And bring money! And a change of clothes! And some antacids! And protection for the Tunnels of Love! And more money! And friends! And their money!"
*The commercial begins to fade with Holly trailing off as usual*
Holly: "And did I mention Jo Ryder is a diseased crack whore who I'm gonna dominate at the PPV!? And how Haley Cannon's LDT is no match for my H-Lock 69!? And how the OG-Joshi World Title is just two short months away from finally being MINE!? And how the moon landing was fak.."
*Commercial ends as a quick "Orochi-O's Land Logo is flashed with small print on the bottom reading: "People left in illegally parked cars will be subject to severe Goosings*
Jimmy: "MA! I want to go to Orochi-O's Land again this year!!"
*It is Memorial Day weekend as random kid Jimmy is lounging and watching tv. His cartoon program is temporarily halted to make room for advertisements*
Jimmy: "Yea! Time to learn which everyday products have just been made "xtreme" for kids! C'mon dry wall..."
*Unfortunately for naive Jimmy (and lucky for the rest of us), no such commercial takes place. Rather, a scene opens at a beach and we see the calm ocean waves*
Jimmy: "Boring!"
*Suddenly we see an image of various girls in bikinis. Jimmy perks up*
Jimmy: "b00bies!"
*The scene switches back to the ocean waves and Jimmy sighs. Suddenly, a female voice enters the fray*
Voice: "BORED SILLY!?"
Jimmy: "Yeah!"
Voice: "Already?! The summer fun season just STARTED this weekend!"
Jimmy: "I know, but...wait...who's talking to me?"
*The camera pans to reveal Holly wearing her Orochi-O's Marketing VP gear*
Jimmy: "You're Holly...from Churrochi-O's!"
Holly: "That's Orochi-O's...stupid kid..."
Jimmy: "Hey...didn't you harrass me through the TV like this LAST summer!?
Holly: "Yeah! So you should know what I'm here to talk to you about!"
Jimmy: "Not touching myself?"
Holly: "..."
Jimmy: "?"
Holly: "No, you perv!! I'm talking about the GRAND RE-OPENING of OROCHI-O's LAND for Summer 2006!"
Jimmy: "COOL!"
Holly: "Yeah! Let's go there right now!"
*Holly walks to the right but the camera doesn't follow her. When she walks off screen, the entire scene changes to Orochi-O's Land! Two seconds later, we see Holly walking from the left of the screen...as if she somehow magically walked right here from the beach!*
Jimmy: "COOL!"
Holly: "If you're easily amused by THAT parlor trick, then you'll love ALL the hot shenanigans that Orochi-O's Land intends to serve you full of this summer until you burst from fun...and corn dogs!!"
*Holly walks into Orochi-O's Land which has a sign on it saying "Grand Re-opening: June 2006"*
Holly: "Since this is a whole new year, and the wrestling world has changed a bit, we decided to update Orochi-O's Land!"
Jimmy: "Good, cause I have a short attention span anyway!"
Holly: "So rather then re-familiarize you with those attractions from last year which will still be around this summer, I will now be concentrating on unveiling our NEW projects!"
Jimmy: "Can I ride the Playstation 3 at Orochi-O's Land?"
Holly: "Uh...we're working on that. If you can't ride it, we're pretty sure you'll be able to chew it or use it to dry yourself off with after our exciting water rides!"
Jimmy: "Like!?"
*Holly walks up to a body of water with a lot of rubber tubes floating in it*
Holly: "Like the "Lazy Goosey" river rafting adventure! Take a leisurely float down a slow moving "river"...made of water...100% PURE water of course, no Goose excretions or anything! The best part of the ride is that it comes with a FREE collectors t-shirt that says "I got f'n drenched while riding the Goose!"
Jimmy: "AWESOME!"
Holly: "No child under 8 is allowed on the ride or given a shirt."
Jimmy: "Dang.."
Holly: "Chin up kid! For we have a SECOND water ride that is more "universally age appropriate."
Jimmy: "Guh?"
Holly: "You can ride it."
Jimmy: "Yea!"
*Holly walks a few yards away and points to yet another water-based attraction. This one involves a small purple and black colored boat going up a river between two banks.*
Holly: "I present to you the "Kat Black De-Nile River Adventure!" Don a "mask of mystery" and jettison up the river as you watch someone who you TOTALLY don't know *winks* attack a cardboard cut out of OG-Joshi mega-bore, Azumi Oonishi! The best part is that you can just sit back and enjoy the attack and do NOTHING besides watching through your mystery mask!! And no one can punish you cause you had *makes quote fingers signs* TOTALLY nothing to do with it, right Kat?! *Winks again* Best of all, you get to act like one of my new bestest friends, the very talented and schemi...uhh intelligent, Kat Black!"
Jimmy: "She's a cat! Cat's wrestle dogs in cartoons!!"
Holly: "You're an idiot! But that won't stop me from taking your mone..um, allowing you into the parks!"
Jimmy: "Thanks!"
Holly: "Along with rides, we also have..."
Jimmy: "Talk about more rides!"
Holly: "Ahh, an enthusiastic fan of thrill rides! Then you'll be first on line for the new "Blitzkrieger" It's a high intensity rollercoaster designed to simulate life as Juli Krieger! While the ENTIRE ride is fun, the best part is the exciting conclusion! The "Blitzkrieger" finishes its run by absolutely smashing and obliterating its way through a cardboard cut out of Alicia Gordon!! Just like real life!"
Jimmy: "Yea!"
Holly: "Although I think the cardboard cutouts we ordered have more personality then Alicia!"
Jimmy: "Burn!"
Holly: "Once you step off the coaster, you can watch as a janitor picks up the broken pieces of Alicia's caree...um, cardboard sign and then signs it for you! A real janitor autograph!"
Jimmy: "That's gotta be worth SOMETHING on eBay!"
Holly: "Yeah! Gazillions!! And there's more!"
*Holly walks over to an area with two very large structures. One is green and the other is red.*
Holly: "Our next attraction is an improvement of the ole "rock'em, sock'em robots" game! It's a giant sized version that represents OG-Joshi's yawntastic match at Evo.R! That's right...now you'll get to control the two OG-Joshi robots, Dizzy and Kaori NiGHT!! Each robot will be controlled by a park visitor! And then you can use your robot's special "skills" to beat the other one! See Dizzy's special deafening "Help! Holly broke my leg!" squeal as it faces off against Kaori's "Thighs absorbed one to many midNiGHTsnackwiches" finisher!"
Jimmy: "I like pizza better then sandwiches!"
Holly: "Kaori LOVES sandwiches...almost as much as Jo Ryder!! Although they enjoy different kinds. Jenny McLanahan makes "tuna sandwiches" for Kaori....whereas Jo likes meat in her sandwiches! Lotsa meat!"
Jimmy: "Like meatballs and salami?"
Holly: "Maybe you're not as dumb as I thought!"
Jimmy: "A+ for Jimmy!"
Holly: "Now that we brought up Jo Ryder...it's time to mention how her "Jo Ryder's Tunnels of Love" ride was the #1 rated attraction of the entire summer of 2005! It even beat out OrochiGeese's "Burning Hammer" roller coaster! Jo Ryder was SO popular throughout and accomodated more people in her love canals then even I thought she could...and I've seen her "get in the zone!"
Jimmy: "Jo's canals were a fun ride..but kinda smelly, slimy, and REALLY crowded."
Holly: "And THAT is why we have done renovations during the off season! "Jo Ryder's Tunnels of Love" will be getting BRAND NEW love canals added to it!! Hopefully this will help her to comfortably accomodate more people while easing the "pressure" in her existing canals!"
Jimmy: "Luckily the entrances weren't too tight, must have been cause of all her guests!"
Holly: "We discovered that theory last year and now call it the "DVDA" principle of attraction techno-engineering! It stands for "Doubling Visitors During Access!" It helped future visitors gain entry easier, but it caused very crowded and awkward situations while riding Jo's canals! But by adding NEW canals to help redirect some traffic, we allow for more guest entry while ensuring less friction!! Physics prevails!"
Jimmy: "I want to explore ALL her new canals!"
Holly: "That's the Jo Ryder spirit!"
Jimmy: "What other rides are there? And how am I still able to talk to my tv?"
Holly: "Easy, you're crazy! But along with rides, we also will be debuting a "meet & greet" with the OG-FPD commentators and NEW FPN Tag Team Champions, Orochi Army! Mr. Clyde and Mr. Figaro will be signing autographs to fans for an hour each day! Hear them discuss their mighty rise to the top of FPN! Catch all the amusing antics of Mr. Figaro as he drives Mr. Clyde over the edge with innuendo that rivals even mine!
Jimmy: "What does in-your-end-o mean?"
Holly: "Great! You got it!"
Jimmy: "?"
*Holly walks over to a building with a large banner of the OG-Joshi World Title wrapped around a globe.*
Holly: "Ahem, our next attraction is perhaps my FAVORITE new addition. It is called the "It's a silly and small World Title Tour"
Jimmy: "Wait...isn't that.."
Holly: "Absolutely not! This new attraction is dedicated to Current OG-Joshi World Champion, Haley Cannon. This indoors boat ride...don't drink the water kids....follows Haley on her previous hyped world tour where she defended her OG-Joshi Title against the likely malnourished children of the world!. The ride is seperated into different geographic areas and we actually see little characters representing many of her past challengers! International jobbers such as "Monique Lachouffe!"
Jimmy: "Is that a type of cough?"
Holly: "Actually, I think Jo Ryder claimed that very condition was responsible for her needing lung surgery despite the obvious evidence of gallons of dried cu..*Holly refocuses* um...don't you worry, kid! All you need to be concerned with is the end of Haley's ride! The part where Haley comes back to America and gets her ass handed to her by the ACE of Joshi Wrestling...me!! That's right...the final portion of the ride shows a Holly figure stuffing a Haley figure into her pants and Muff Driving her all the way back to England!"
Jimmy: "What's a muff?"
Holly: "Ask Jo Ryder. She's the Queen of Professional Muffling after all! But in the meantime, we have one final attraction to show!"
*Holly approaches a simple raised stage area. On top of the stage is a wrestling ring which encloses a device that looks like a mechanical bull...but one painted like...*
Holly: "We now come to the "Patty Sirloin Buckin' Bronco" We wanted to take an all time favorite saloon activity, the mechanical bull, and turn it into a ride for all ages to enjoy!! Best of all, this ride is customizable! There are 5 different settings: Rare, Medium, Well done, Charred, and...Figaro!"
*Just then, we see a line of kids being cut by Mr. Figaro who is sprinting to the ride. The kid at the front of the line protests only to be pushed out of Figaro's path. Figaro then jumps on the "Buckin Bronco", switches to the "Figaro" setting...and um "goes to town!" Numerous children become sick while watching and requests vomit bags. At the conclusion of the ride, Figaro requests a change of pants.*
Holly: "So there you have it! Orochi-O's Land is back BETTER then ever! If these attractions don't make you come rushing to the park with all your legal guardians' money, then you HATE FUN!!"
Jimmy: *in best "Dr. Tran" voice* "But I... LOVE fun!"
Holly: "Then get your ass over to Orochi-O's Land, fun-hater! And bring money! And a change of clothes! And some antacids! And protection for the Tunnels of Love! And more money! And friends! And their money!"
*The commercial begins to fade with Holly trailing off as usual*
Holly: "And did I mention Jo Ryder is a diseased crack whore who I'm gonna dominate at the PPV!? And how Haley Cannon's LDT is no match for my H-Lock 69!? And how the OG-Joshi World Title is just two short months away from finally being MINE!? And how the moon landing was fak.."
*Commercial ends as a quick "Orochi-O's Land Logo is flashed with small print on the bottom reading: "People left in illegally parked cars will be subject to severe Goosings*
Jimmy: "MA! I want to go to Orochi-O's Land again this year!!"